RISHI Sunak has confirmed he is delaying the general election until autumn because he is very much afraid he will lose it.
The prime minister told the country that he had considered a spring election until the prospect of losing hundreds of seats for the Conservatives caused him to soil himself.
He said: “The election was set for spring because the electorate loves voting Tory when blossom is on trees and lambs gambol in fields. It’s a recognised phenomenon.
“But then I checked the polls, looked over our record in power, saw the pathetic tax cuts Jeremy says are all we can afford, imagined being reduced to less than 100 MPs and I’m not ashamed to say I shat my pants.
“Labour are right to say I’m afraid to call an election. They do not go far enough: I’m f**king terrified. My balls have retracted into my body. I shudder and whimper if I hear May mentioned.
“So there will not be a spring election for the same reason I do not walk into Millwall pubs and declare their team to be puffs supported by tarts. If I can put off being beaten like a piñata for six months, I will.”
Keir Starmer said: “I would also kick shit out of Rishi in a fistfight. Look at the size of me compared to him. I’d steamroller the prick, and I’m a middle-class ponce who likes pretending to be in the army.”