I am not holding a spring election because I am scared, confirms Sunak

RISHI Sunak has confirmed he is delaying the general election until autumn because he is very much afraid he will lose it.

The prime minister told the country that he had considered a spring election until the prospect of losing hundreds of seats for the Conservatives caused him to soil himself.

He said: “The election was set for spring because the electorate loves voting Tory when blossom is on trees and lambs gambol in fields. It’s a recognised phenomenon.

“But then I checked the polls, looked over our record in power, saw the pathetic tax cuts Jeremy says are all we can afford, imagined being reduced to less than 100 MPs and I’m not ashamed to say I shat my pants.

“Labour are right to say I’m afraid to call an election. They do not go far enough: I’m f**king terrified. My balls have retracted into my body. I shudder and whimper if I hear May mentioned.

“So there will not be a spring election for the same reason I do not walk into Millwall pubs and declare their team to be puffs supported by tarts. If I can put off being beaten like a piñata for six months, I will.”

Keir Starmer said: “I would also kick shit out of Rishi in a fistfight. Look at the size of me compared to him. I’d steamroller the prick, and I’m a middle-class ponce who likes pretending to be in the army.”

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All women on TV will be blokes: A gammon's gloomy predictions for 2024

WHAT trends can we expect in the new year, especially if you’re a gammon? Here Roy Hobbs takes a peek into the future and does not like what he sees. 

Beer will be sold in centilitres 

Despite the best efforts of sensible gammons to make businesses waste billions converting Britain back to the imperial system, the woke brigade will win out and get rid of pints. We’ll be forced to drink our Stella Artois and Heineken in confusing European metric volumes, which just isn’t right. It’s no exaggeration to say it will be like living in a dictatorship.

Football will be banned 

Along with anything else that brings straight white men, the most oppressed of all groups, any joy whatsoever. Sure, they’ll think of excuses like the risk of head injuries or a bit of harmless violence on the terraces, but the real reason is we’re not allowed to have fun. Expect further bans on darts, barbecues and watching James May’s Biggest Lorries

All women on TV will be blokes 

If Doctor Who is anything to go by, soon all women on telly will secretly be blokes. Of course they’ll say it’s about wanting to be comfortable in their own bodies or whatever, but transgender people are obviously only doing it to trick men like me into fancying them. Personally I don’t think they’ve been given enough grief about it recently, so it’s time to ban them and get back to proper TV birds like Melinda Messenger.

Sadiq Khan will become president for life 

People say gammons are irrationally obsessed with Khan, but he’s clearly a power-crazed maniac – who but a madman could have thought of ULEZ? I reckon he’ll take over and rename England ‘Everyonewelcomeland’, then he’ll give workshy scroungers massive salaries to sit at home, make you live in your shed so an asylum seeker can have your house, and probably ban pets. I’m not sure why he’d do any of this but he might. God I hate him.

My wife will leave me for a woman 

Not because she wants to, but because she’ll be brainwashed by short-haired feminist lesbians into a life of homosexuality. That’s never going to work because if two women get married who’ll reach things on the top shelf? Also they’ll spend all their time arguing over who gets to do the housework. 2023 was bad enough when I imagined I’d have to become a drag queen instead of a van driver, but if this is what 2024’s like I’m going to hibernate.