Friday, 3rd July 2020

Woman writing CV wondering how to make 'binge drinking' sound like a hobby

A WOMAN who spends all her spare time getting sh*tfaced with her mates is struggling to make it sound like a respectable extracurricular interest.

Nikki Hollis would like employers to think she is a well-rounded individual rather than someone who counts drinking 19 shots of tequila without passing out as one of her greatest achievements.

Hollis said: “Work takes up a depressingly large part of my week so when I’ve got time off I want to spend it relaxing by drinking until I vomit, but it’s hard to make that sound good on a CV.

“The closest I’ve got is ‘socialising with friends’, but they’ll see through that in a second. Maybe I could put ‘volunteering with substance abusers’, which is essentially the truth when it comes down to it.

“I got wasted in a country pub a few months ago, so maybe I could put ‘Exploring the countryside’. If they ask about it, I’ll just say something about trees and sh*t, not puking up in the taxi. 

“I could totally lie and say I enjoy mentoring young people or volunteering in a soup kitchen, but then I might sound like a sanctimonious little tw*t. 

“Maybe I’ll just put ‘knitting’.”

Potential employer Francesca Johnson said: “Nikki needn’t worry because after a few years working here everyone becomes a borderline alcoholic. Excuse me, I have to drink some vodka from the bottle in my desk.”