Yes, you may get pissed. Signed, The King

KING Charles III has confirmed that yes, his Coronation is one of those marvellous British occasions when you may drink lager before noon, by decree.

His Majesty has allowed his subjects to celebrate as they would at Christmas, Glastonbury or in an airport and to mark this historic moment with a glass of prosecco at 10am.

The King said: “Like many of my family and Auntie Margaret in particular, my subjects enjoy a tipple while the sun yet rises in the sky.

“Unlike her they are not Royal so cannot grant themselves that honour as she so often did. They must await significant occasions such as feast days, Glyndebourne or World Cup matches against Brazil in Japan.

“But today, the day of my Coronation as your King, all strictures are lifted. Aunties may drink Buck’s fizz with breakfast, men a craft ale, the young a pre-mixed can of cocktail, which I’m given to understand they enjoy.

“The procession begins at 6am, and if you feel drinking at that hour is correct then drink you may. By the time St Edward’s Crown is placed atop my head, be merry. When the Red Arrows flypast commences at 2.30pm, I expect the whole Commonwealth hammered.

“Have a drink. I’m going to. Do you know how long I’ve waited for this?”

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I know your internet history, says weird IT guy in pub

AN office tech guy knows his colleagues’ darkest and most shameful internet secrets, he will cheerfully inform them at after-work drinks in the pub.

Martin Bishop, some sort of IT support bod who no one really talks to, believes mentioning his Stasi-like surveillance powers over their computer usage will be a great conversational ice-breaker this evening.

Bishop said: “Most people think my job is just installing firewalls, no, don’t walk off, this is interesting. Where was I? Oh yeah – I know all their grubby little internet histories, and in my socially dysfunctional way, I’m going to chat about it tonight. I can’t wait. 

“Dom in marketing keeps ordering multipacks of flavoured condoms off Amazon, must find out what that’s about, and I know exactly who’s been spending way too long on the fit receptionist’s Facebook page. I notice she has a lot of holiday bikini snaps. I’ll mention that when they’re all sitting down together.

“Steve has no idea that I can easily see through incognito mode, so I’ll see how his how his search for MILF porn is going. I’ll definitely ask him when he’s able to actually masturbate to it in such a busy office.

“Yes, it’s going to be a fun evening. I expect I’ll make quite a few friends, unless they never ask me along for drinks again, which has happened at every single place I’ve worked. Weird.”

Office administrator Tom Logan said: “Martin doesn’t scare me. I don’t look at porn or anything in the office. All my degrading piss videos are on my computer at home. I probably shouldn’t have said that, should I?”