You've been drinking body shots off strippers WRONG your whole life

EVERYONE likes to slurp up a shot of tequila from a stripper’s belly button, but did you know you’ve been doing it wrong your whole life?

You’re not already off your face

Just as you wouldn’t start a meal with a rich, creamy dessert, you shouldn’t begin your night out with a body shot. You should already have half a dozen shots flowing through your system, along with a line or two of some unsavoury powder, to really get you in the zone. But for the best buzz, make sure you’ve just gambled away a couple of grand at a nearby casino. Now you’re ready.

You’re using your hands

Have you been ‘steadying’ yourself by holding onto the stripper? Not cool, bro. Your hands should be firmly placed behind your back, and the only body part that should be making contact is your mouth. Letting your meathooks have a cheeky wander as you suck booze from a navel would only cheapen and demean this hallowed ritual. So show some respect and do it properly.

You’ve forgotten to lick up the salt

Mate. Is this your first time or something? The tequila will be burning your mouth, so it’s crucial that you run your tongue over the salt sprinkled on your stripper’s torso. Don’t be afraid to get stuck in either or you’ll make them feel unattractive. And for the love of God don’t forget to take the lime wedge from their mouth. That shit’s basic.

You’ve been drinking them on a weeknight

Unless you’re on a midweek stag do, you shouldn’t be in the club necking body shots on a school night. Part of the excitement of the drink is that you get to go to work on Monday and none of your colleagues are any the wiser. As far as they’re concerned you had a quiet one watching Taskmaster, not living out The Wolf of Wall Street.

You’ve got a wife and kids

The f**k, dude? Body shots are strictly for frat boys and older men with nothing else going on in their lives. Why aren’t you at home spending time with your family? It might not be as glamorous but it’s way more fulfilling. And aren’t they wondering where you are right now? You should probably be putting your kids to bed. Shame on you.

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Your concerned nan's advice for surviving your night out 

YOU may be 22 and think you’re the bee’s knees, but are you able to look after yourself at a club? Your nan certainly doesn’t think so. Here are her tips:   

Don’t talk to strangers 

Obviously. Strangers, especially men, always have ulterior motives. You wouldn’t want to give off the wrong signal and end up getting kidnapped and sold into slavery, would you? Though if you did, it would be your fault for being too provocative, dear.

Don’t use the toilets 

Ideally, you won’t drink enough to need to go to the toilet, but if you do, make sure to go in the town hall or the petrol station. Club toilets are dens of iniquity, where all the bad in the world convenes. And if the worst comes to the worst: hover. Don’t you remember that girl from your school who got pregnant from a toilet seat?

Don’t walk on or near any roads 

That includes pavements next to roads. But only walk in well-lit areas with street lamps. And don’t go down any alleyways. The majority of all murders take place down alleyways, as you well know. Or you could end up accidentally embroiled in a drug deal, which is worse.

Dress nicely 

Make sure to cover up and wrap up warm, and never go out with wet hair because that’s how you get colds, and kidney disease. A nice pair of flesh-coloured tights and a cardigan never go amiss. Make sure to check the length of your skirt – any more than a credit card’s width above the knee and people will say you’re a slag, and rightly so.

Be in bed by ten 

If you text to say you got home safely any later than this, I will call the police. The sooner you’re in bed with a Horlicks, the earlier you can get up the next morning and respond to my 6am message checking you aren’t feeling too rough from your glass of Babycham, and asking what time you’re taking me to the big Tesco.