1.26 million demonstrate against Olympics takeover of BBC Three

A MASS demonstration by BBC Three viewers has protested against programmes including Sun, Sea and Suspicious Parents being displaced by Olympics coverage.

Police estimates put the number of demonstrators at around 1.26 million, although this dropped to 30,000 during the dull bits.

Among the programmes currently unavailable to BBC Three viewers at peak hours are Family Guy, Family Guy, Family Guy and Family Guy.

However protestor Nikki Hollis was most enraged by the absence of the regular 60 Second News item: “We have to watch the news on BBC1 now. That lasts loads of seconds.

“It’s long and confusing and they keep talking about Syria. I’ve no idea who she is.”

It was the biggest BBC Three-related protest since 1.5 million fans descended on Downing Street in protest at the cancellation of Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps after just nine series in 2011, a decision which many hold to be a major cause of last year’s riots.

Police spokesman Norman Steele said: “Many of the demonstrators were simply slumped glassy-eyed, joylessly masturbating into the void.

“We finally succeeded in dispersing them by staging a low-budget ‘reality’ show in the middle of Parliament Square in which several officers posed as a 70 stone woman from Essex who intended to marry her pitbull terrier.

“Another officer with a bullhorn provided a narration in a wacky voice. The effect on the demonstrators was to to induce in them a state of docile, slackwitted levity and we were able to clear the area.”

The protestors, have, however, promised to repeat their actions, at 3am, 4am and 5am on weekdays, with further repeats in forthcoming weeks.



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The Hobbit to be split into three films, four albums, five tea towels and a key ring

DIRECTOR Peter Jackson has announced plans to tell the story of The Hobbit across a variety of media including chinaware.

Despite the Tolkien’s original novel of The Hobbit being far shorter than Lord of the Rings, Jackson has insisted that telling the tale of Bilbo Baggins via an array of expensive things is the only way to fulfill his vision of fabulous wealth.

Jackson said: “There’s a dragon in The Hobbit that sleeps on a load of gold coins. That’s what I want, a solid gold bed.

“The forthcoming movies will only tell part of the story.  Cinemas will be not play the incidental music; instead fans will purchase the score separately and listen to it on MP3 players.

“Bilbo Baggins’ dialogue has also been removed. Cinemagoers will provide his speeches by reading aloud script extracts printed on souvenir beach towels.”

Hobbit fans will eventually find out how the story ends by completing a Panini sticker album.

Tolkien fan Stephen Malley, who claims to be a dwarf from the Mines of Moria, said: “This is great news as I will buy literally anything that has a picture of Gollum on it.

“I would especially like some sexy Tolkien-print lingerie for my girlfriend, so that I can read of plucky hobbits and their exploits during intercourse.

Peter Jackson’s next project is rumoured to be a seven-film adaptation of a note Tolkien left out for the milkman requesting some butter.