Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
As a Sagittarius you’re a creature of habit. You spent last weekend and the 468 ones before that getting shitfaced so you probably don’t need me to say what will happen this weekend, do you?

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Three years since you gave up smoking and you can honestly say you’ve never felt better, except for those moments when you sit in the airing cupboard, cuddling your Zippo and sobbing.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week you commission a few articles about introducing different swimming pools for white and non-white competitors. Because you’re an awful, awful human being.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
As a security advisor for the Olympics, you will advise Michael Gove not to go to the small bore shooting.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You’ve never been comfortable discussing your sexuality, mainly because you’ve never been entirely sure how to pronounce the word ‘zoophilia’.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You’re surprised to discover the title of Katy Perry’s Part of Me doesn’t refer to her experiences as an organ donor.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
This week you’ll have a moment of existential crisis as you find yourself cursing the news for banging on about a Syrian massacre when you want to know how Britain got on in the rowing.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
There’s a point in everybody’s life where, unbeknownst to them, they reach the midway point of their existence. Given your lifestyle, you’ll be unsurprised to hear it was during a double chemistry lesson.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You’ve really got into the Olympic spirit this week, by having a Lucozade Sport with your Wotsits.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Another night on the couch for suggesting that your weekend visiting the zoo, the mother-in-law and IKEA was like that book CS Lewis wrote.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Disappointment this week as you discover that the ghost in The Woman in Black II will be played by Jar Jar Binks.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
God gave rock & roll to you. Gave rock & roll to you. And you turned it into U2. You absolute shower of bastards.



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Britain pins gold medal hopes on relaunch of empire

SEBASTIAN Coe has urged the government to start annexing small defenceless countries to boost Team GB’s medal hopes.

With the host country yet to win a gold medal, the hope is that invasion forces can be deployed as soon as a nation with an inadequate army reaches a final.

Template dossiers have been drawn up accusing the country in question of harbouring terrorists, trying to develop nuclear weapons or looking really like India, options which military chiefs can delete as applicable on reaching the country’s government headquarters.

Coe said: “We would give the countries their sovereignty back once the games were over, of course, and you can ask people anywhere in the world what our record is like on that score. Actually, don’t.”

With over 200 nations competing in the Olympics, the choice of countries to invade is huge but Coe acknowledges that a balance has to be struck between the probability of a nation winning gold in judo and how likely it is to wage a ten-year guerrilla war of resistance.

Another scheme under consideration is ceding Britain’s nationhood to one of the Olympic big-hitters, offering up Bradley Wiggins, Tom Daley and cream tea at Buckingham Palace as an inducement.

Coe said: “As they’re leading the medals table, I would have no problem being Chinese for a few weeks.

“In fact I do a pretty good impression, if you’re not easily offended.”