Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
As a Sagittarius youre a creature of habit. You spent last weekend and the 468 ones before that getting shitfaced so you probably dont need me to say what will happen this weekend, do you?
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Three years since you gave up smoking and you can honestly say youve never felt better, except for those moments when you sit in the airing cupboard, cuddling your Zippo and sobbing.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week you commission a few articles about introducing different swimming pools for white and non-white competitors. Because youre an awful, awful human being.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
As a security advisor for the Olympics, you will advise Michael Gove not to go to the small bore shooting.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Youve never been comfortable discussing your sexuality, mainly because youve never been entirely sure how to pronounce the word zoophilia.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You’re surprised to discover the title of Katy Perry’s Part of Me doesn’t refer to her experiences as an organ donor.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
This week youll have a moment of existential crisis as you find yourself cursing the news for banging on about a Syrian massacre when you want to know how Britain got on in the rowing.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Theres a point in everybodys life where, unbeknownst to them, they reach the midway point of their existence. Given your lifestyle, youll be unsurprised to hear it was during a double chemistry lesson.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Youve really got into the Olympic spirit this week, by having a Lucozade Sport with your Wotsits.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Another night on the couch for suggesting that your weekend visiting the zoo, the mother-in-law and IKEA was like that book CS Lewis wrote.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Disappointment this week as you discover that the ghost in The Woman in Black II will be played by Jar Jar Binks.
Taurus (20 APRIL 20 MAY)
God gave rock & roll to you. Gave rock & roll to you. And you turned it into U2. You absolute shower of bastards.