MUSIC producers quickly realised children and pre-teens were a lucrative market thanks to people known as ‘parents’. Here are some of the crap acts that were the result.
S Club 7
They’re back together and this time you’ll be paying for it instead of your weary parents. There’s nothing wrong with a bit of nostalgia, but bear in mind ‘Get ‘em young’ was also the motto of the Jesuits and the Nazis.
S Club Juniors
Casting the net even younger, S Club 7’s management assembled S Club Juniors with the CBBC show S Club Search. Parents grudgingly coughed up the cash again, but at least Frankie Bridge was in The Saturdays’ Just Can’t Get Enough video, which was some recompense for dads.
One Direction were surely intended to make parents weep as their girl children channelled their embryonic feelings of love into ‘official’ stationery sets and other tat. Still, it’s all a normal part of growing up until you become mature enough to send death threats to Taylor Swift, Caroline Flack or whichever unworthy female celeb was stealing your Harry.
The pretty-boy covers band were ideal for tweens due to being so unthreatening. Did they undergo surgery to remove all traces of sexuality? It seems likely. Ronan Keating should be examined to see if he’s like an Action Man down there.
Before Charlene off Neighbours morphed into a classy dance act with a big gay following, she was knocking out crap like The Locomotion for kiddies. All under the tutelage of the dark puppet master Pete Waterman, a man who loves Northern Soul so much he only made synth-pop toss.
People swear the strangely punctuated band had ‘hits’, but you try naming them if you weren’t a 12-year-old fan. Also unleashed gobshite self-publicist Myleene Klass on an unsuspecting world, and we’re still suffering for it today.
Back in the 60s Archie Comics created The Archies with their enduring hit Sugar, Sugar, a subject Haribo-obsessed children can relate to. It quickly gets extremely annoying but an animated band certainly cuts down on overheads like hotel bills, cocaine supplies, weird solo concept albums, etc.
Remember these test tube mutants? No one at their record company thought ‘Yes, the Hanson boys will have a broad fanbase of pre-teen girls and Mojo readers alike’. However they only had one hit, MMMBop, so the financial damage wasn’t too bad.
Hardly worth mentioning when Boyzone is already listed, but their phenomenal chart stats (16 number one singles, 34 top 50 singles, 13 top two albums) give a good idea of their manufactured nature. They’re still touring – the Far East this year for some reason – so why not see them at Singapore Stadium? For old times’ sake, get your elderly parents to pay.
No f**king around here, just suck some more cash out of parents whose kids owned the dolls. The vast Bratz franchise included numerous singles and albums, weirdly on Geffen, so technically they were stablemates of Nirvana and Snoop Dogg. However they barely charted anywhere except Norway, where a dad called Olaf probably regrets wasting his kroner to this day.