500-word TripAdvisor review to be made into a movie

A BRITISH holidaymaker will see his epic TripAdvisor review made into a major Hollywood movie.

Christopher Nolan, director of Batman Begins and Inception, has begun working on a script based on Martin Bishop’s 28-paragraph review of a three star hotel in Ilfracombe.

Producer Nikki Hollis said: “It’s about the corruption of society, the nature of revenge and the power of redemption.

“It’s the primal struggle of man versus mid-priced holiday accommodation that will resonate with the millions of fuckers who enjoy pissy nitpicking.”

Much of the TripAdvisor review focuses on a broken tile in the shower which Nolan will transform into an elaborate dreamscape where Bishop imagines himself as a rebel leader and, eventually, a god.

Ryan Reynolds will play Bishop, with Oscar-winner Natalie Portman as his wife Susan who begs him to stop writing everything down and enjoy himself for a change.

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Goldfish’s attention span now better than yours

THE attention span of the goldfish is now superior to that of humans.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies praised the ornamental fish for its ability to stay focused on a single thing for up to nine seconds.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “The goldfish has sufficient concentration ability to swim up from the bottom of its bowl and grab a food pellet from the surface of the water.

“You couldn’t do that. You’d get halfway there and be like – oh, the internet. I’d better check some message type thing, buy some trousers or look at a pornographic video.

“So you’d stop to do that, then end up looking a dozen other things of equally poor quality, then have lost all recollection of your original objective.”

Goldfish Tom Logan said: “The secret is that I don’t have a smartphone.

“Also I go inside a little plastic shipwreck model for five minutes every day and meditate.”