A points system by Priti Patel: What a Brexit Britain Eurovision will look like

A EUROVISION Song Contest hosted in Brexit Britain is a disaster waiting to happen. Here are the many ways it will go wrong.

A points system by Priti Patel

The Eurovision Song Contest points system is an arcane black magic that defies logic, but at least it isn’t evil. When the UK runs the show though it will be modelled on Priti Patel’s immigration policy. The best and brightest performers with medical degrees will be awarded douze points, everyone else will be packed off to Rwanda.

Nigel Farage as presenter

For the sake of balance and gammon representation, Nigel Farage will take care of some of the presenting duties. Expect him to get into the Eurovision spirit by dressing up as a pint or a blue passport, and making what he thinks are wry observations on the contestants but are actually xenophobic hate speeches. Co-hosts Prince William and Claudia Winkleman won’t know where to look.

Union Jacks f**king everywhere

The UK is only holding this party because it’s marginally more hospitable than Ukraine and we somehow came second place last time. But this won’t stop us acting like the centre of attention and draping every square inch of the venue in Union Jacks. After all, we don’t want to look like a ridiculous failure to the rest of Europe.

Continental contestants barred

Britain has full control of its borders now, meaning it can shut out whoever it wants. This includes everyone it thinks has done it wrong over the years, meaning that nobody from Europe will be allowed entry. The resulting contest will be an empty stadium with the UK and Australia performing their dreary songs on repeat for three hours.

The UK’s inevitably shit entry

Sam Ryder was a fluke. He was a once in a generation freak anomaly which the country will fail to learn from. Instead of copying his success by entering a catchy, feel-good song, the UK will revert to form by pinning its hopes on ‘Rule Britannia’ as performed by the Military Wives Choir. What could be more Brexit Britain, therefore shit, than that?

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Number of the Beast: Six scary records that were as terrifying as a blancmange

ROCK stars wrongly believe their warped imaginations strike fear into the hearts of normal people. Here are some ‘terrifying’ records that just made you go ‘Yeah, whatever’.

Number of the Beast, Iron Maiden

There are two obstacles to taking Iron Maiden’s interest in Satan seriously: the teenage fans, and Spinal Tap soundalike Bruce Dickinson. In the unlikely event of Beelzebub chatting to him, he’d undoubtedly say: ‘Are all your minions socially awkward virgins, Bruce? And stop going on about your pilot’s licence. No one’s interested, posh boy.’

Enter Sandman, Metallica

The Sandman takes sleeping children into a world of nightmares. Quite disturbing, but not as much as the original lyrics, which contained references to cot death, until a producer understandably changed them. What’s genuinely terrifying is that the band thought this lyrical subject matter was fine to rock out at the Reading Festival with.

Fear of a Black Planet, Public Enemy

Not much fear involved if you’re a non-racist liberal and not a member of the Klan, although Literally No Problem with a Racially Diverse Planet isn’t a very good album title. Features the odd PE classic, including ‘Can’t Do Nuttin’ for Ya Man’. Fans will realise that the scariest thing about this album is Flavor Flav’s personal life.

News of the World, Queen

The cover depicts a giant robot holding the mangled, bloodied corpses of Freddie et al. However, actually listen to it and you’re back to standard Queen fare like ‘We Will Rock You’ and ‘We Are the Champions’, a song now associated with boring sporting victories. Not a murderous robot in sight. Even the track ‘All Dead, All Dead’ is inspired by Brian May’s deceased cat. Terrifying.

Pyromania, Def Leppard

Heavy(ish) metal is overrepresented in the ‘scary tunes’ stakes, but the thought of burning to death is genuinely horrible. Lucky the album isn’t about that then. Despite the blazing building on the cover, the songs are things like ‘Rock Rock (Till You Drop)’. Def Leppard themselves, as far as we know, have no interest in arson. Which is good, but disappointingly inauthentic.

Appetite for Destruction, Guns N’Roses

Appetite for Cakes, if Axl Rose’s recent appearance is anything to go by. The video to ‘Welcome to the Jungle’ is pretty scary, but maybe that’s just late-night coach journeys. The original cover showed a robot rapist, his victim and a monster. Not so much scary as offensively juvenile. This was replaced with pictures of the band with skulls for faces, which looked like a kids’ cartoon spin-off of Pirates of the Caribbean. And is every bit as scary as that sounds.