Abramovich Buys Big Fat Woman From Painting

RUSSIAN billionaire Roman Abramovich has paid £2 million for the great big fat woman in the painting by Lucien Freud he bought last week.

Sue Tilley will have to spend 24 hours a day pretending to be asleep on a couch in Mr Abramovich's London home

A spokesman said: "He like painting very much, but when put in living room he say, 'is okay, but prefer real big fat lady on couch'."

The spokesman said Ms Tilley will be wheeled from room to room as Mr Abramovich moves through the house.

Since relocating to London the tycoon has developed a keen interest in art, particularly when it is made from real people.

His favourite is a full-scale recreation of the civil war masterpiece And When Did You Last See Your Father? which currently occupies about a third of his kitchen.

The models are only allowed to eat and use the toilet when Mr Abramovich and his guests have gone to bed.

Art dealer Tom Logan said: "His back garden is essentially the Hay Wain by Constable, with the cart, the horse and two guys who have to remain absolutely still the whole time.

"It sounds difficult, but you'd be amazed how little you move when there's a rooftop sniper aiming at your forehead."


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My Daughter Has Fantastic Tits, Says Fergie

SARAH Ferguson yesterday defended her eldest daughter insisting Princess Beatrice has developed an absolutely corking set of knockers.

The Duchess of York spoke out after the Daily Mail accused the Princess of not being old enough to have breasts, while at the same time being too old not to have them.

The Duchess said: "She is a perfectly normal young woman who just happens to have HRH in front of her name and a cracking pair of charlies. She'll be just fine.

"Like all teenagers she has a tendency to slouch, but when she stands up straight, my goodness what a pair of beauties. They're like melons I tell you, melons!"

Constitutional expert Denys Finch-Hatton said: "Although she was often dismissed as unsuitable, Prince Andrew made a strategic decision in mating with Sarah Ferguson.

"For all her shortcomings the Duchess has provided the House of Windsor with the genetic material to produce generation upon generation of superbly endowed princesses."

He added: "These are, in my opinion, the finest breasts to emanate from the royal bloodline in over 300 years.

"Not since Catherine of Braganza have we had a member of the Royal Family that you would look at and say, 'Sweet Jesus, well done love'."