NOT every film is as unambiguously amazing as The Matrix. If you spot these warning signs, walk out immediately.
Actors improvising
Improvised films rarely make much sense, so if actors are making up the dialogue as they go along, do something more entertaining like having a root canal. Imagine if David Lynch’s Inland Empire had an actual script; it might have been less confusing than being trapped inside someone else’s nightmare for three hours.
It’s in black and white
The technical limitations of old films are an acceptable reason for them to be in black and white. However, the only explanation for a lack of colour in anything made since 1970 is that the director lives up their own arse. Monochrome does not automatically mean a movie is a masterpiece, as anyone who’s seen Frances Ha knows all too well.
It won the Academy Award for Best Picture
Nothing says ‘bland’ more than a major Oscar win. Why should you sit through films like Forrest Gump or The King’s Speech with their hackneyed plots, overt sentimentalism, and people pretending to be disabled? Make a point of shunning such middle of the road fare in favour of your Tarkovsky box set.
It received National Lottery funding
If it was any good, it wouldn’t have needed a charitable donation to get made. The producers will claim that this depressing slice of kitchen sink realism is a story that badly needs to be told and a huge international audience is out there waiting to be found. If that’s the case, why hasn’t Ryan Gosling asked to be in it?
It stars Jennifer Lopez
What a world. Jennifer Lopez continues to make movies, and sewage keeps being pumped into our rivers and seas. It’s utterly baffling why nothing has been done about these things, and it also means that you probably shouldn’t go cold-water swimming. Unless the alternative is watching Monster-in-Law.
Your partner loves it
The biggest indication that you’ll absolutely detest a movie is that the person you share your life with considers it to be one of their favourite films. Let’s face it, you’re about as interested in the works of Vanessa Hudgens as they are in early sixties Hammer Horror. Stop pretending you have stuff in common and just buy a second television.
