Adele created by 'shit women go on about' brainstorming session

RECORDING phenomenon Adele is the result of some men writing a list of woman-friendly things on a whiteboard, it has emerged.

Record label executive Tom Logan revealed the singer was invented during a product development brainstorming session entitled, ‘The Sort of Shit Women Go On About’.

He said: “We quickly built up a list of  stuff, including ‘heartbreak’, ‘feelings’ and ‘yeast infections. Some idiot said ‘pavements’ as a joke which actually pissed me off ’cause I was trying to be serious, but I wrote it down anyway.

“Then, after a short cocaine break, we explored each of these sub-headings.

“By mid afternoon we had the track titles for what would become Adele’s first album, but no notion of who or what would sing it.

“Our first thought was some skinny blonde with big tits who pretends to be bisexual, but then this other bloke, Dan, said that if we were going to sell this to women in supermarkets it should be someone who looks like they aren’t going to steal their husband.

“A big girl. Fucking genius.”

However when Logan looked through the company’s rolodex of potential female voice providers, he found there were no big girls available.

He added: “I thought, ‘well, these bitches may appeal to my mighty penis but they won’t shift units to real women with real women’s issues and whatever’. There was this one bird, Adele, but she was only seven stone.

“Then it hit me – put her in a fat suit.”

Logan is now looking for new projects after being sacked for staring at breasts while biting his lower lip.



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EU agrees rescue package for Nick Clegg's feelings

THE European Union last night agreed a multi-billion pound bailout of Nick Clegg’s storm-tossed emotions.

European finance ministers said the rescue package would prevent the deputy prime minister from staring out the window for hours or turning up to Parliament in his underpants with ‘help me’ scrawled across his chest in blackcurrant jam.

Under the plan each student in Britain will be paid £9000 a year to be Mr Clegg’s best friend, with bonus payments for singing him to sleep or entertaining him with a puppet show.

Britain’s newspapers will receive multi-million pound EU grants for training their journalists not to ask Mr Clegg unfriendly questions about the prime minister’s affair with News International.

And more than £300m will be spent filling the Lib Dem leader’s iPod with remastered versions of the entire Funkadelic back catalogue as a direct replacement for whatever is making him cry.

An EU spokesman said: “It’s not an exact science and we won’t know if the fiscal medicine is working until he talks to his nine year-old son.

“If the child tells him about a painting he did at school it means the situation is stabilising. But if he says ‘papa, why is a dreadlocked, middle class white man squeezing dog jobbies through the letter box?’ then it may need a second tranche of emergency funding.”

Meanwhile critics have stressed that Mr Clegg’s £135,000 salary, chauffeur-driven Jaguar and rent free 115-room mansion in Kent should be more than enough to help him cope with being called a dick by some fucking students.