GRAMMY-magnet dinner party wailer Adele has vowed that her current boyfriend will soon be song-inspiringly awful to her.
After announcing a five-year career break to ponder her baffling popularity, the singer was inundated with messages from distraught thirty-something women desperate for new songs to whine along to at 2am into the neck of an empty bottle of Pinot Grigio.
Now agent Nikki Hollis has struck a deal for Adele’s new boyfriend to begin treating her no good before the end of the month alongside a structured programme of being asked why he do her wrong.
A separation to allow Adele to think ’bout all the good times will be in place by June, allowing her to be stoically philosophical about the relationship by September and in the recording studio the following month to ensure a pre-Christmas album release.
Adele said: “While we’re currently very happy, my man will shortly walk out on me doing something that rhymes with ‘baby’ or ‘goodbye’.
“Meanwhile we have hand-picked a series of girls that my friends will say they saw him with and I’m going to spend the summer wondering why he told me so, so many lies.
“If anyone has any doubts as to which way this is going, I would remind them I have spent the last six months scouring online dating dates for a man called Brian Partbrake.”
Hollis has been the music industry’s foremost song-inspiring event engineer since 1997 when she introduced the Verve’s Richard Ashcroft to homeopathy.