Adrian Mole 'goes on murder spree'

THE latest Adrian Mole book sees the main character exacting bloody revenge on the world for his years of comic misfortune, it has emerged.

In Adrian Mole: Payback Time, which is published this week, Adrian – now an embittered 45¾ year-old loner and still obsessed with the size of his ‘thing’ – hunts down everyone who has ever crossed him.

Author Sue Townsend said: “Frankly it was time Adrian got his own back on Sharon Bott for humiliating him at the roller disco.

“She totally deserves it when Adrian douses her in petrol then burns her to death in a disused factory.”

The novel also resolves the doomed romance between Adrian and Pandora Braithwaite when Adrian directs detectives to a box containing her severed head.

Townsend said: “Every man has his breaking point, so it’s only natural that Adrian should want revenge on the school bully Barry Kent, who gets fed into a wood chipper, or the bad-tempered head teacher Mr Scruton, whose corpse Adrian defiles in the most vile fashion imaginable.”

Sunday Times book critic Eleanor Shaw said: “The original novel was a warm and witty portrayal of adolescence, and also a sharp satire on the zeitgeist of the 1980s.

“However this one pisses on it, especially the bit where Adrian tracks down Brainbox Henderson, who briefly went out with Pandora in the first book, and stuffs a calculator up his arse until he ruptures.”

 

 

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Scott team had 'penguin wives'

CAPTAIN Scott and his team married female penguins during their trip to the Antarctic, it has emerged.

Recently-discovered diaries, now published by the Natural History Museum, show that the explorers were first repulsed and then entranced by the penguins’ sexually licentious behaviour.

Scott wrote: “Necrophilia, group intercourse, golden showers…truly these beaked devils are without boundaries.

“Despite this, their females have the most attractive plumage. Especially one whom I have named ‘Leela’, whose flipper feels soft, soothing to the touch and whose eyes tell stories of the sea.”

Scott and the other explorers, who by this stage had not seen a human female for some weeks, became captivated by the lady penguins, even staging a group marriage ceremony in a makeshift chapel constructed of sticks and bear skins.

Scott wrote: “Leela and I spent a magical afternoon together on an iceberg.

“I fell asleep in the Arctic sun, and when I awoke she had brought me a small fish.”

However the men’s dream of bird-based bliss was shattered when Captain Lawrence Oates was attacked by a jealous alpha male penguin.

According to Scott’s diary: “Oates’s betrothed ‘Tamisha’ squawked furiously as the furious suitor set about him with beak and flapping wing. Soon the whole colony was in uproar.

“I fear that our idyll is reaching an end. I have taken one of Leela’s feathers, which I shall carry forever in a locket.”