Alien vs Predator versus Sunak vs Truss: can you spot the quotes?

THE battle between Sunak and Truss is frequently compared to 2004 movie Alien vs Predator, and is just as shit. 

Test your knowledge of total bollocks by guessing whether the following quotes are from former chancellor Sunak, future prime minister Truss or a piece of action bullshit that made everyone watching it measurably less intelligent. It won’t be easy:

1 ‘I don’t like pizza, I love it. I am prepared to do literally anything to get my hands on a slice.’

2 ‘It’s common in ritual sacrifice to take the heart of the victim.’

3 ‘We rise to challenges, we will meet them, we’re well prepared for them, we’ll get through them and we’ll emerge on the other side stronger.’

4 ‘The enemy of my enemy is my friend.’

5 ‘When I lead my team, I don’t leave my team.’

6 ‘There can be no lasting prosperity for our people if we do not protect our planet.’

7 ‘We import two-thirds of our cheese. That is a disgrace.’

8 ‘If I do feel scared, I deliberately challenge myself not to feel scared.’

9 ‘We do not have the luxury of quitting.’

10 ‘We’re in the middle of a war – it’s time to pick a side.’

11 ‘I’m not going to stick to the failed plans of the past, I’m going to do something radically different.’

12 ‘I hate rodents.’

13 ‘I think this is a manhood ritual.’

14 ‘I like to get my own way, let’s put it like that.’

15 ‘I went to China and they told me there was only one type of potato available there.’

16 ‘You want a piece of me, you ugly son of a bitch?’

ANSWERS

If you thought the clinically deranged quotes at 1, 7, 8, 12, 12, 14 and 15 were Liz Truss, you’re correct.

If you thought the pompous first-victim-of-the-alien quotes at 3, 6 and 11 were Sunak, you’re right.

If you were able to discern tough-talking Tory rhetoric from action movie dialogue and spotted 2, 4, 5, 9, 10, 13 and 16 from Alien vs Predator, well done.

If you think the interchangability of the above means we’re all f**ked, you are also correct.

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Killing of al-Qaeda leader would have been better if Lionesses did it

THE drone strike of al-Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri would have been more impressive if the Lionesses did it, Britain has agreed. 

The assassination of a 9/11 plotter by the England women’s national football team would have inspired a whole generation of girls to believe that they could grow up to surgically strike terrorists even better than men.

Mother of three daughters Nikki Hollis said: “For too long using a drone to take out high-ranking Islamic jihadis has been a boy’s club. If Beth Mead or Jill Scott had been at the controls Bin Laden’s deputy would be still dead and it would be a great day for women.

“You saw how the Lionesses put them past Merle Frohms on Sunday. Compared to that, launching some missiles at a guy on a balcony? Easy. So why not give them the chance?

“Let Alessia Russo show you how it’s done, CIA, by making the drone do a cheeky barrel roll. Let Chloe Kelly turn it into a feminist moment by whipping her shirt off after the blast. Stand aside. It’s Her Turn.

“Imagine the jubilation in Trafalgar Square if Wiegman’s girls were hoisting the smouldering remains of al-Zawahiri aloft, dancing to Sweet Caroline.

“Sadly, due to the patriarchy, that day is a long way off.”