Animals see Attenborough shows as moronic reality TV

WILDLIFE species have criticised David Attenborough as a maker of mind-numbing reality television obsessed with chimp family disputes.

As the broadcaster was lauded on his 90th birthday, animals attacked Attenborough’s output as ‘Geordie Shore with paws and flippers’.

Chimp Emma Bradford said: “We non-humans want high quality jungle drama, for example a moody detective series about an alcoholic pelican tracking down a crocodile serial killer in the style of The Bridge.

“Attenborough’s exploitative reality fodder only reinforces stereotypes, for example by showing working class baboon families stealing fruit from a market trader and then having a massive fight about a beta male failing to show ‘respect’.

“None of the cast even gets paid. I think there’s a killer whale off the The Blue Planet who makes some money doing meet and greets in provincial nightclubs but that’s all off his own back.”

Scorpion Mary Fisher said: “Wildlife on One portrayed being an animal as a ruthless struggle for survival where everyone’s obsessed with the food chain. Mostly though my life is quite mundane, I spend 19 hours a day hiding in a shoe.

“The BBC should stop wasting money on this crap and do a non-human version of Pointless with a bison asking the questions.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Humans only able to eat avocado by imagining a sausage

EATING avocados is only possible by visualising a delicious sausage, it has been claimed.

Jenny Cresswell, a self-styled ‘Snapchat health-guru’, admitted the pulpy, meat-substitute is about as tasty as slimy chalk.

She said: “I’ve been pretending to like avocados for years, mostly as a self-serving statement on how much healthier and fitter I am than other people, but nobody knows that secretly I imagine it’s sausages.

“It’s the same approach I take to doing anything remotely healthy like lifting heavy stuff and pretending ice cream isn’t just bloody incredible.

“Could you imagine how difficult it would be to motivate yourself to do that crap if you didn’t construct an elaborate fantasy to trick yourself?”

She added: “Eating food you actively hate and lying to yourself is one of the foundations of living a long and grimly boring life of protein shakes and turkey mince.”