Archers writers encouraged to kill them all

THE writers of Radio 4 drama The Archers have been urged to kill off the entire village in an orgy of random violence.

Listeners were delighted when Helen Titchener stabbed her husband Rob, and expressed the hope that this marked the start of an orgy of bloodletting on the long-running agricultural soap opera.

Jane Thompson, from Aldershot, said: “I find them all annoying, so Helen should take out Shula next, using a bow and arrow in a clever pun on the show’s title, or maybe Ursula could pipe bomb Willow Farm in revenge for Rob.

“Then Rex and Toby could fight each other to the death with chainsaws. Toby would finish the duel by belting Rex senseless with his own severed arm then feeding him to the pigs.”

Julian Cook, professor of radio at Reading University, said: “Not many people know that The Archers started off as a public information programme to teach rural people about hand-to-hand combat in case of a Soviet invasion.”

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Internet hard man imagining unlikely scenarios to be hard in

A MAN spends a lot of time on the internet describing improbable situations he could resolve aggressively, it has emerged.

Sales manager Roy Hobbs spends up to three hours a day devising disturbing fantasies about threats to his family and then explaining how he would react to them on internet comment threads.

Father-of-three Hobbs said: “If I was at a Danish water park with my wife and kids and yobs started threatening them I’d break their legs.

“I don’t have a teenage daughter but if I did and a man had been following her, I’d grab a golf club and go out looking for him. It scares me to think what I’d do to him if he and she existed.

“It’s important people are aware of these potential threats and my admirably hard response. Just last night BobtheMonkey72 upvoted my decision to beat up my wife’s boss who’s hypothetically been stalking her.

“I didn’t mention that my wife’s boss is a 72-year-old woman who goes to Quaker meetings.”

Other fictitious situations Hobbs has hypothetically dealt with include his son being hospitalised by 80s-style punk drug pushers and a bear attack during a family holiday to Normandy.