Are you annoyingly quirky enough to be the next Doctor Who? Take our quiz

WITH Jodie Whittaker handing in her notice, there’s a Time Lord-shaped vacancy on Doctor Who. But are you infuriatingly eccentric enough to fly the Tardis? Find out with our quiz.

What do you wear?

A) Usually something simple like jeans and a t-shirt, but for the last year I’ve barely been bothered to put on trousers.

B) A long flowing coat that I tell people was gifted to me by Napoleon. In reality I found it in a TK Maxx bargain bin.

Something exciting happens, how do you react?

A) Say ‘f**k me’ then try to take a picture of it on my phone.

B) Breathlessly spout some clunkily-written exposition about how it reminds me of one of my previous adventures.

Uh oh, this door’s locked. What now?

A) Politely give it a knock and wait to see if anyone answers.

B) Frantically point my sonic screwdriver toy at the door while my friends look on with embarrassed concern. Let’s hope it’s not made of wood, hahahahahahaha.

Do you have a catchphrase?

A) No, I’m a self-respecting adult. Unless ‘same again, barman’ counts.

B) Several. When something goes well I scream ‘Amazeballs!’ and when I’m dumped I whimper ‘why does this keep happening?’

Got any enemies?

A) My landlord is a bit of a dick, but I’m my own worst enemy most of the time.

B) A fellow Time Lord who keeps taunting me in a camp fashion.


Mostly As: Sorry, you seem like a down-to-earth person who probably doesn’t even have a silly haircut. Unless the BBC takes the show down a dark and gritty route, you haven’t got a hope in hell.

Mostly Bs: You sound as achingly unconventional as Timmy Mallet and probably look just as bloody ridiculous. When can you start?

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Outrage as new Highway Code makes it an offence to run down cyclists

MOTORISTS are outraged by the release of a new Highway Code which, for the first time, makes it an offence to run down cyclists. 

The updated code means drivers not only have to treat cyclists as if they are valid users of the road even though they do not pay road tax, but they may actually get points on their licence for ploughing into them at full speed. 

Driver Steve Malley said: “This is woke political correctness gone mad. What next, will I be legally liable for any insects that smash into my windscreen? 

“Cyclists absolutely need paying attention to on the roads. They’re a hazard. So if I should happen to knock four or five of them into a ditch then I’m actually making the roads safer. 

“They’re saying it ‘ensures road users who can do the greatest harm have the greatest responsibility’. I’m driving a £62,000 Mercedes. The harm they could do to that’s incalculable.

“Not only that, they’ve changed the insurance laws so if I scratch my paintwork on one of these irresponsible bastards’ bikes, it’s not automatically their fault. It’s a full-on assault against truth and common sense.” 

Cyclist Jordan Gardner said: “I was quite pleased until I realised the new code also protects pedestrians. Those obstructive f**kers? They should all be mown down.”