UNSURE if Adele’s new album 30 is for you? See if you’ve got the personal mettle to listen to all of these tracks without breaking down.
I’m Getting Divorced
Adele bravely confronts her favourite and most lucrative topic again. Contains the lyric ‘The dead flowers of hopeless love/Are buried in a barren cemetery of despair’. One song in and you are already pretty depressed.
Did I Mention I Got Divorced?
Ms Adkins reminds fans of her divorce, in case they’d forgotten about it in the five seconds between tracks. Emotional honesty is the order of the day. ‘Divorce really sucks,’ she sings.‘I cried on the bus the other day which was a bit of an embarrassment for everyone.’
The Bastard’s Taken the Good Casserole Dish
The wildly successful songwriter gets down to the nitty gritty of breaking up, specifically the loss of a treasured casserole dish. It was the same quality as a Le Creuset, but a more reasonable price, and you could even do a whole roast chicken – just add some onion, carrots and potato you were good to go. Fans of easy one-pot meals will find it impossible not to shed a tear.
I’m Flying like a Bird Now (Without That Shit Bringing Me Down)
The singer switches to a more feisty, combative mode. ‘Don’t even think about the using the f**king joint account,’ she warns. ‘I know who all the DVDs belong to.’ By now listeners will really feel they need a break from the monomaniacal obsession with doomed marriage, although if you’re prepared to pay 400 quid for an Adele ticket, misery is clearly your thing.
An Upsetting Conversation with My Son
Ms Adkins takes the brave, brutally honest step of including audio verite recordings of conversations with her nine-year-old son, who senses the complexity of adult relationships and suggests a game of ‘smash the robot’ while making ‘pee-ow pee-ow’ sounds representing laser blasts. Raw, stark and best ‘enjoyed’ with a cocktail of antidepressants.
It’s Comfy Here on the Floor With Some Wine
Adele’s trademark piano and lush orchestration bring out the quiet yet powerful dignity of a woman on her third bottle of shiraz who can’t see the point of getting up off the lounge floor as she’s actually quite comfortable lying here.
Moving On Backwards
A forensic recap of everything that went wrong in Adele’s marriage, right down to a boring trip to York Minster in 2018. Even her most devoted fans are now close to catatonic depression, which is just how they like it.