Are you watching Bodyguard or is there something wrong with you?

EVERYONE is glued to sexy thriller Bodyguard, episode five of which is shown tonight on BBC1, but what about those few malcontents and weirdos who are not watching it?

What’s wrong with them, and are you one of these freaks? Find out immediately:

Bodyguard, a pulse-pounding tale of a home secretary and her affair with her assigned protection officer, is: 

A) An incredible rollercoaster ride of passion and excitement I wouldn’t miss a single moment of.
B) Sounds bollocks. Like something you’d watch on a long-haul flight. Also my vision is blurry, I’m sweating heavily and I have a temperature.

Is glamorous Julia Montague’s relationship with sexy DS David Budd genuine? 

A) He could easily be a terrorist faking falling for her in order to win her confidence, or is that a red herring? It’s so FUCKING EXCITING!
B) I don’t care and I’m surprised this is a BBC thing because it sounds like ITV shit. Though it’s hard to concentrate through this blinding headache and nausea.

Can the home secretary really be dead, or is it a red herring to draw the terrorists’ moles in government out into the open? 

A) We didn’t see a body, but surely she wouldn’t betray the man she loves by faking her own death? Or is he part of the plot?
B) Please stop talking about Bodyguard and call 999. I’m suffering severe stomach cramps and keep blacking out. I need help desperately.

How many more twists and turns can this gripping series have? Will there be a sequel? 

A) Gosh I hope so, I can’t get enough of Jed Mercurio’s intricately-plotted dramas. It’s like a British 24 from when it was good!
B) Tell… tell my family I… please…


Mostly A: You’re a Bodyguard fanatic who spends every waking moment discussing what could be in the briefcase, who that shadowy figure in the wings was and Budd’s conflicted loyalties. Can’t wait for tonight!!!!!

Mostly B: You have suffered a shutdown of your bodily functions, causing you to be placed in a medically-induced coma. Doctors believe that your only hope is an intravenous infusion of top-rated Sunday night drama, Bodyguard.