Are you watching Bodyguard or is there something wrong with you?

EVERYONE is glued to sexy thriller Bodyguard, episode five of which is shown tonight on BBC1, but what about those few malcontents and weirdos who are not watching it?

What’s wrong with them, and are you one of these freaks? Find out immediately:

Bodyguard, a pulse-pounding tale of a home secretary and her affair with her assigned protection officer, is: 

A) An incredible rollercoaster ride of passion and excitement I wouldn’t miss a single moment of.
B) Sounds bollocks. Like something you’d watch on a long-haul flight. Also my vision is blurry, I’m sweating heavily and I have a temperature.

Is glamorous Julia Montague’s relationship with sexy DS David Budd genuine? 

A) He could easily be a terrorist faking falling for her in order to win her confidence, or is that a red herring? It’s so FUCKING EXCITING!
B) I don’t care and I’m surprised this is a BBC thing because it sounds like ITV shit. Though it’s hard to concentrate through this blinding headache and nausea.

Can the home secretary really be dead, or is it a red herring to draw the terrorists’ moles in government out into the open? 

A) We didn’t see a body, but surely she wouldn’t betray the man she loves by faking her own death? Or is he part of the plot?
B) Please stop talking about Bodyguard and call 999. I’m suffering severe stomach cramps and keep blacking out. I need help desperately.

How many more twists and turns can this gripping series have? Will there be a sequel? 

A) Gosh I hope so, I can’t get enough of Jed Mercurio’s intricately-plotted dramas. It’s like a British 24 from when it was good!
B) Tell… tell my family I… please…


Mostly A: You’re a Bodyguard fanatic who spends every waking moment discussing what could be in the briefcase, who that shadowy figure in the wings was and Budd’s conflicted loyalties. Can’t wait for tonight!!!!!

Mostly B: You have suffered a shutdown of your bodily functions, causing you to be placed in a medically-induced coma. Doctors believe that your only hope is an intravenous infusion of top-rated Sunday night drama, Bodyguard. 

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John Lewis starting to suspect it is being undersold

JOHN Lewis is beginning to wonder if its prices may be much, much higher than its rivals after years of wilful ignorance.

The department store is in crisis as customers appear to be buying the same products elsewhere for less money, leaving bosses baffled.

A spokesman said: “We’re the cheapest. Right? You’d tell us if we weren’t, wouldn’t you?

“Because I know this is hard to believe, but it seems that some people think of us not as a bargain-basement outlet but as ‘one of those expensive shops’.

“For years we’ve never knowingly been undersold, but it turns out that was largely because we’ve religiously avoided finding out what they charge for toasters at Argos.

“In retrospect perhaps it was a mistake to, whenever anyone discussed pricing at other shops, put our hands over our ears and sing ‘lalala’ as loud as we could.”

Loyal customer Susan Traherne said: “£30 may seem like a lot for a pair of salad tongs, but they’re lovingly gift-wrapped by a woman called Mel who asks me gently about my holiday plans.

“I’d buy everything from John Lewis if it didn’t mean remortgaging my house.”