Atari ET game to be made into film

THE 1982 Atari video game ET: The Extra-Terrestrial is to be made into a live-action film.

The movie will faithfully recreate the wood-veneered console classic and incorporate other merchandise elements such as bright green cola-flavoured custard creams while ignoring the film that accompanied them.

Director Tom Logan said: “To remain true to the game, the plot will now mainly consist of ET walking across a featureless landscape before deliberately falling into a hole.

“He will then attempt to levitate out of the hole, and fail. And then again, and then again.

“ET will be brought to life using state-of-the-art 8-bit graphics, so he’ll look as though he’s been made from green Lego by a particularly talentless and impatient child.”

Office worker Stephen Malley said: “The ET video game was a massive part of my childhood. After playing it, my friends and I used to go to the woods and sit in a hole for hours on end.

“I think every boy fantasises about a special friend who wanders around aimlessly picking up nondescript objects hoping they’re pieces of phone.”

A huge hole has already been bulldozed in the New Mexico desert to bury copies of the video game adaptation of the movie adaptation of the video game adaptation, which is expected to be awful.

Logan’s next project, which Matthew McConaughey is already attached to,  will be a “brutal erotic Western” based on Atari game Custer’s Revenge.

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Amazon no longer selling anything

INTERNET giant Amazon is no longer selling any products following disputes with every publisher, film producer, record label and mop manufacturer in the world.

The online retailer, which has pulled everything it sells from its website, has asked its customers to remain loyal and continue giving it money until these problems are sorted out.

A spokesman said: “Our ongoing attempts to get the best price and pass discounts on to the consumer has reached the point where we’re no longer prepared to pay our suppliers anything.

“For the moment they’ve rejected this deal but we’re confident they’ll soon accept it’s for the best, just like all the employees in our warehouses do.

“Please feel free to use your Kindle as a ping-pong bat until then.”

Consumer Emma Bradford of Chester said: “But where will I get all my films, all my music, all my e-books without Amazon?

“Oh yeah, I can just BitTorrrent them all for nothing. I’ll do that.”