Attenborough to film 'Life of Scrotes'

DAVID Attenborough’s new nature series for the BBC will delve into the world of Britain’s fast-breeding underclass.

Sir David will follow a group of baseball cap-wearing teenagers as they produce ever more offspring using lager and the back seat of a modded-up Citroen Saxo.

Attenborough said: “We live alongside them, kicking aside their discarded Greggs wrappers and empty WKD bottles every time we walk through the precinct, but what do we really know about the mating of scrotes?”

Early footage shows Attenborough crouched down and speaking in his trademark whisper just yards away from a mature male, surrounded by eight of his 14 children.

He said: “We’re deep inside his territory, and if we were for a moment identified as a threat he would release the bull terrier and we would have to run for our lives.”

The series will also devote an entire episode to a park bench which carries the slogan ‘Chelsee Mayer suks dick for cigs’.

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Time traveller warns against getting rid of BBC

A TIME traveller from the future has warned that closing down the BBC may not be a good idea.

Although future-soldier Emma Bradford is on a mission to hunt down a time-travelling cyborg from the year 2050, she took time out to warn that television will become even worse without the BBC.

Major Bradford said: “”In 2023 the government gets rid of the licence fee after pressure from Rupert Murdoch, who is now just a brain in a jar plugged directly into Twitter.

“”The result is that all BBC output stops completely, leaving viewers in a nightmarish dystopia where they can only watch cable and satellite toss.

““By 2050, Sky 1 only shows repeats of Stargate SG-1 and The Simpsons, meaning that people with Sky have seen every episode more than 2,500 times.

“”The other channels are worse. Without new BBC panel shows, Dave channel just broadcasts a loop of old QI, despite Stephen Fry and Alan Davies having been dead for many, many years.

“”There are no quality documentaries, either. In 2050 the Bafta for best factual series went to a Discovery Channel programme about whether implanting sharks with Hitler’s DNA would have changed the outcome of the war.””