BBC confident it can find a new prick

THE BBC has confirmed that Top Gear will continue without Jeremy Clarkson as Britain is awash with boorish oafs.

Director general Tony Hall said the show’s format was guaranteed as he could just walk into a sports bar and ask if anyone wanted to be on television.

Hall added: “There was nothing miraculous about Top Gear’s success. Clarkson and the audience are entirely interchangeable.

“Indeed, I would like to thank Jeremy for helping a generation of pricks refine and perfect their utter dickishness.”

Sports bar regular Martin Bishop said: “My tastes are exactly as you would expect. And, for the avoidance of doubt, I refer to things I dislike as ‘gay’.

“I sometimes use racist words, but certainly don’t see myself as racist, though some people may disagree. Gay people.”

Bishop added: “And I’m guessing Clarkson just wandered through his house making a list of things he could compare cars to.

“Yes, I can do this.”

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week you’ll pledge to people in your constituency that if re-elected you will eat 478 shredded wheat every single day.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Counting to ten is a good way to calm down and may also explain, given your educational record, why you’re so angry all the time.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
A colleague asks if you want something from the shop on Monday, you reply “A tenner from the till!” and by Thursday you’re on the run from police leaving a trail of dead in your wake.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
A huge windfall is on the horizon for you, possibly involving the roof of your car and the branch off a sycamore tree.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
On Wednesday a tall, dark stranger will walk into your life, says “Sorry, wrong office” then leave.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
They say there’s no link between astrology and political leanings but as a Leo you are four times more likely to vote for a party that lives off preying on the weak and the elderly. You know who I mean.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
The colour pink has always been lucky for you but this luck will run out at the weekend when that’s the colour your pregnancy test goes.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You’ve been really good on your diet for the last couple of months so why not treat yourself to a slap-up meal and a damned good seeing-to from a man-whore?

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Either your aura has gone a very funny colour or my glaucoma is coming back.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You’re now in the third week of celebrations after gettings full bars of 3 mobile reception.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
As a very spiritual person you don’t believe in the hegemony of possessions, as demonstrated when it’s your turn to buy a round.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
100,000 people have signed a petition calling for you to sod off. So. Off you sod.