BBC May Be Forced To Shoot Chris Moyles

THE BBC has warned that if Chris Moyles keeps coming to work, they may be forced to shoot him.

The corporation has not paid the Radio One morning oaf for the last two months in the hope that he would just stop turning up and there would be no need for an unpleasant scene.

But Moyles has surprised BBC executives by coming in five days a week and stubbornly refusing to stop being his dreadful, inexplicable self.

Media analyst, Julian Cook, said: “There does seem to have been a strategic shift in the BBC’s thinking in that last year they thought Chris Moyles was great and offered him huge amounts of money which they then paid to him on a monthly basis, whereas as this year they do seem to have realised that was utterly fucking moronic.

“Hopefully this is just the first phase in a programme of not paying any of the people on radio or televison and eventually the BBC will become what it should always have been – David Attenborough repeats, really good American films from the 1970s and an upper-middle class man reading out the news.”

He added: “If, for some horrifying reason, people insist on having Radio One then maybe it could just be a series of popular songs that are not being constantly interrupted by a dreary, talentless child.

“But if the proles still need to hear something between the songs then you could always have a recording of a small boy shitting himself or a group of half pissed 22 year-old men laughing at a deranged transvestite on YouTube.”

A BBC spokesman said: “We’ll give it another week or two and then we’re going to hire a hit man to take him down in the car park. If we get a gay one they’ll probably do it for free.”

He added: “We don’t know whether to ‘send him a message’ by wounding him in the thigh or simply aim for the middle of his chest and end this thing once and for all.

“Perhaps we could have a phone vote and announce the results during the midweek Lottery draw.”


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Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
The other day, a female friend and I were comparing notes about our husbands. It turns out her husband gets up extra-early every  day to prepare breakfast in bed which he brings to her on a tray with a single red rose, then performs certain lewd acts on her downstairs department with his tongue, before telling her he loves her more deeply than ever and heading out to work. My husband, on the other hand, takes an enormous dump, shouts obscenities at Christine Bleakely and Adrian Chiles and then buggers off leaving his dirty plate and mug lying on the living room floor. Surely there must be something I can do to get one over on this awful woman and her bastard husband?

Dear Lois,

It’s never a good idea to start comparing what you have with others, as it always leads to jealousy and unhappiness. I used to hate Amanda Sullivan with a burning passion because she always had the prettiest dolly, and the fastest bike, and the sparkliest pencil case, and she bragged about this constantly. It seemed that nothing could assuage the misery which developed from having to watch her get the most expensive and fashionable stuff for birthdays and Christmas while I had put up with rubbish and embarrassing presents from Poundstretcher selected by my half-demented, vision-impared granny. What I quickly learned was that the best course of action in this type of situation isn’t to sit around and be envious, but instead to take the initiative and fabricate some damaging rumours about your enemy so that no-one cares if she’s got better stuff than you because everyone now thinks her mum had sexual intercourse with the janitor.
Hope that helps!