THE BBC has warned that if Chris Moyles keeps coming to work, they may be forced to shoot him.
The corporation has not paid the Radio One morning oaf for the last two months in the hope that he would just stop turning up and there would be no need for an unpleasant scene.
But Moyles has surprised BBC executives by coming in five days a week and stubbornly refusing to stop being his dreadful, inexplicable self.
Media analyst, Julian Cook, said: “There does seem to have been a strategic shift in the BBC’s thinking in that last year they thought Chris Moyles was great and offered him huge amounts of money which they then paid to him on a monthly basis, whereas as this year they do seem to have realised that was utterly fucking moronic.
“Hopefully this is just the first phase in a programme of not paying any of the people on radio or televison and eventually the BBC will become what it should always have been – David Attenborough repeats, really good American films from the 1970s and an upper-middle class man reading out the news.”
He added: “If, for some horrifying reason, people insist on having Radio One then maybe it could just be a series of popular songs that are not being constantly interrupted by a dreary, talentless child.
“But if the proles still need to hear something between the songs then you could always have a recording of a small boy shitting himself or a group of half pissed 22 year-old men laughing at a deranged transvestite on YouTube.”
A BBC spokesman said: “We’ll give it another week or two and then we’re going to hire a hit man to take him down in the car park. If we get a gay one they’ll probably do it for free.”
He added: “We don’t know whether to ‘send him a message’ by wounding him in the thigh or simply aim for the middle of his chest and end this thing once and for all.
“Perhaps we could have a phone vote and announce the results during the midweek Lottery draw.”