BBC On Crack

BBC director general Mark Thompson has admitted that most of the licence fee money has been spent on crack cocaine.

An inquiry was launched last month after state of the art BBC-branded camera equipment and a satellite truck were discovered at the White City branch of Cash Swappers, while visitors to Television Centre noticed that the building appeared to be mostly empty, smelt of fecal matter and was partly on fire.

The director general said: “When you have a lot of money around, things go wrong. It’s a law of the universe or something.

“There were bad people coming over, hanging out in the edit suites. I suppose… I suppose it’s like, a thing or whatever, you know. Shit.”

Thompson stressed the BBC would make it up to licence payers by lowering the annual fee to a beer, or whatever spare change people happen to have on them.

Insiders say the corporation’s problems began shortly after the appointment of new Head of Interactment Envisionisation, Pete ‘The Viking’.

A senior source said: “The Viking came here ostensibly to host a lunchtime free jazz workshop designed to maximise the creativity of senior broadcast journalists.

“After some thoroughly half-arsed improvisational exercises he asked us if we wanted to feel really, really good, better even than if we’d just edited a particularly strong Afghanistan package for Newsnight.

“A couple of days later no-one was even bothering to do the news and there were poos everywhere.”

Television fan Tom Logan said: “I had wondered why last week’s Antiques Roadshow was a ‘pipes only’ special, with Fiona Bruce very evidently missing half her teeth.

“It was much better.”


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Bring On Burundi! Roars Capello

ENGLAND manager Fabio Capello feels England could soon compete against the likes of Burundi or even Burkino Faso following last night’s demolition of the Hungarians.

Two goals by Steven Gerrard ensured one of the footballing shocks of the year as England crushed the 62nd-best team in Hungary.

Many are even comparing it to 1972’s ‘Miracle Of Hampden Park’, when Scotland defied all the odds and silenced their critics by successfully completing a pass.

Captain Gerrard said: “I think we showed tonight that we know how to do the throw-ins and the goal kicks quite well.

“I would also point out that almost half the team realised which national anthem they were supposed to sing. I am both pleased and proud.”

Capello praised England’s performance, saying: “The younger players showed great ability in getting dressed by themselves, though Gibbs did have his boots on his ears, but that’s something we’ll be working on with his club.”

Meanwhile FA chiefs were delighted with the margin of victory, stressing it would have been even higher had Hungary not scored a goal clearly awarded by a foreign criminal.

Capello added: “I think we have finally hit upon a winning formula as long as before every match I can end the career of a senior player while the captain encourages the fans to tell the players how awful they are.”