Big Brother Unveils All-Vegetable House

THE producers of Big Brother have once again resisted calls to introduce humans into the house, sticking with the all-vegetable format for the ninth year in a row.

As the latest Channel 4 series kicks off, executive producer Wayne Hayes said: "I think last year people were shocked when we put a cauliflower and a tomato in the same room.

"The attraction was instant, it was just a shame the cauliflower turned out to be such an appalling racist."

He added: "It's a fantastic group this year. Let's hope they all manage to stay away from the goat."

The Big Brother vegetables 2008:

Fitness instructor by day, special constable by night. Loves fine, crumbly soil. Hates rabbits, immigrants and parsley. Extremely orange.



A fun loving vegetable with a degree in para-psychology. Describes herself as a good listener who makes friends easily even though she is just some broccoli.




The first ever onion in the Big Brother house. Hopes to raise awareness of onions and onion related issues. Store in a cool, dry place inside some old tights.




The most hideously misshapen of this year's vegetables. Earns 'good money' as an Andrew Lloyd Webber look-a-like. Sensitive about his green bits.
Incredibly gay.




Upper class and arty. Describes herself as a "creative free spirit who drinks vodka by the pint". Chop her up with scissors over a bowl of soup.




A popular aromatic herb used throughout Europe and Asia. Writes his own songs and goes great with cod. Hates immigrants and carrots.




This year's lesbian vegetable is a trainee nurse with a pierced tongue and a tattoo of Beelzebub. Tough on the outside, absolutely disgusting on the inside.




Mysterious, aloof and erotically charged. Likely to have carrot and parsley competing for her attention. Has been known to dramatically transform a frittata.

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Ann Summers Moves Upmarket With Crotchless Evening Gown

ANN Summers is moving upmarket with a new range aimed at the middle classes, including a stunning open-crotch evening gown.

The ivory silk, floor-length dress is designed by Stella McCartney and features a heart-shaped hole in the front to provide easy access to a lady’s private area.

A version with a rear hole will be available later in the year for Scandinavians, Roman Catholics and public school girls.

Nikki Hollis, Ann Summers' marketing director, said: "This season everything is luxurious and at the same time filthy and obsessed with bum sex.

"We have crotchless riding breeches, a naughty saddle and some lovely open-crotch plus fours if you require intercourse during a round of golf.

"Luxury toys include a Luis Vuitton dildo, a vibrating egg from Tiffany of New York, and a luscious sex jelly flavoured with 32 year-old Macallan."

Hollis said the company was targeting the middle class after research showed more than half were still supressing their most deviant sexual appetites.

She added: "The working class have the morality of crazed chimpanzees and will do anything to anything.

"Meanwhile, the upper orders are rich, degenerate and obsessed with the anus, but most of them are happy to use fruit or an antique candelabra."