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Blur, and other bands who followed popular success with albums recorded up their own arses

HAD a hit? Enjoying the money and blowjobs, but feel it does not adequately reflect who you are as artists? Then record your next album in your own colon, like these: 

Blur by Blur, 1999

Made rich men by faux-Cockney anthems but beaten in the Britpop wars by Oasis, Blue felt they’d earned the right to tit about in a Reykjavik studio then release the aimless noodling and see what happened. The singles had tunes, but the rest of the formless jams made you yearn for the grating oompah posturing of Country House.

Tranquility Base Hotel & Casino by Arctic Monkeys, 2018

After a decade of beautifully observed kitchen-sink vignettes and success, Alex Turner was bored with it. As a nice change, his band recorded an entirely unrelatable album of mock-grandiose lyrics over a parody of 60s lounge jazz. Then, because that didn’t quite lose them all their fans, they did another one the same but worse. That did it.

Their Satanic Majesties Request by The Rolling Stones, 1967

They were the cooler, edgier Beatles, neck-and-neck for chart domination. Then the Stones threw it all away with an album of hippy twaddle containing all the studio wankery of British psychedelia but without any of the charming whimsy or the tunes. Thankfully the sensible influence of Bill Wyman prevailed thereafter, and they did what they were good at.

Adore by the Smashing Pumpkins, 1998

Never far from their arses at the best of times, Billy Corgan responded to becoming one of the biggest rock acts in the world with an album combining folk with electronica to capture both ‘the ancient’ and ‘the future’. Nobody really liked it and it confirmed his view he was a doomed, useless loser whose fans were braindead philistines, so everyone was happy.

Tusk by Fleetwood Mac, 1979

After recording Rumours, an album so popular your Gen Z cousin is vibing to it even now, the Mac naturally followed it up with a double-album of experimental weirdness including home demos and a marching band. After which, as is traditional, everyone f**ked off to do solo albums before reforming to do 80s soft rock for tax reasons.

Kid A by Radiohead, 2000

Desperate to shake off the trappings of commercial success, the boys released an idiosyncratic record full of cut-up vocals, free jazz, and entirely devoid of soul. Sadly, the attempt to slink back into obscurity backfired spectacularly when, with crushing inevitability, the public lapped it up. ‘Sometimes you’re too big to fail,’ sighed Thom Yorke.

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Danes sex, Spanish sex, Germans opening windows: six European nations and what they're better at than you

CONTINENTAL Europe is better at everything than you stodgy Brits because they’re just so sophisticated. Here’s what they outshine you at, country by country: 

Denmark: sex

As newly discovered by the media, the Danish are incredible at sex! When not building Lego or pig-farming, both of which are very sexy occupations, every Danish person spends at least five hours a day locked in fulfilling sexual congress. Oh, aren’t they just wonderful with their ørgåsms. Don’t you wish you were like them.

Norway: being warm in front of a fire

You might think you, as a resident of a cold country used to wearing layers, are equally as good at passively absorbing warmth as a Norwegian, but you’d be wrong. They’re Scandinavian and they bring a refined glamour to it which you, living on this parochial island, could never imagine. Also they wear a chic cable-knit and you wear a fleece.

Germany: burping the house

Over in Germany they do this wonderful, wonderful thing called ‘burping the house’ where they open all the windows first thing in the morning so the air can circulate, and so they never have damp! What? Isn’t the house freezing? Irrelevant. What if it’s raining? Don’t be small-minded. Just revel in the wisdom of our continental betters.

France: drinking wine

And France, of course, are the masters of drinking wine. They don’t drink to oblivion like foolish, benighted Brits. Instead they order a simple vin blanc with lunch, a vin rouge with dinner, a pastis at a café, a cognac in the evening. Ignore that they have the highest number of deaths from alcohol in Europe. They’re so fantastically civilised!

Italy: eating

You think you know how to eat? What, just because you shove edible items into your face and metabolise them? That’s cute. No, you know nothing of how to eat, not compared to the Italians for whom eating is life, art and beauty. From olive oil to pasta to olive oil again, they’re so superior that you really shouldn’t eat at all if you can’t do it with their passione. 

Spain: sex again

So hot-blooded, so alive, so fiery; how could they not excel? Compared to you pale abominations who cannot remove even a sock without giggling in embarrassment, the Latin lover is a god. Also, they’re better at dancing, football, the tango, writing Don Quixote, eating, drinking wine, being warm and probably ventilation too. You really are pathetically British.

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