THE long-held suspicion that it is impossible for women and women to have genuine friendships has been proved by researchers.
A study which included peer-reviews of bitchy WhatsApps, lab measurements of subtle, withering comments about each other’s wardrobes and longitudinal studies concluded that women are incapable of friendship with women.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “What was a popular theory is now a scientific fact. Disagree and you’re as deluded as a flat-Earther.
“Women may all appear to be close confidants to the untrained, male eye. Look closer and you’ll see even the closest of friendships is a long war motivated by fiery hatred and a refusal to concede superiority. And if they’re actual sisters even more so.
“Resentment runs through everything women do. Hen parties are a calculated humiliation ritual. Weddings only exist to establish dominance over their closest enemies. Even their slumber party pillow-fights are just a controlled release of physical rage.
“Compare this to how well women get on with men. Often their friendship blossoms into ill-judged sex and occasionally marriage. After which they stop talking, but still.”
Woman Helen Archer said: “Who did they do this study on? I bet it was Emily, that f**king bitch.”
