Board game reveals side of boyfriend unseen outside of war

AN evening spent playing board games has caused a boyfriend to behave in a way never seen outside armed conflict. 

Mild-manner digital sales manager Tom Logan unexpectedly began acting like an army general leading his troops into battle when playing Trivial Pursuit with his girlfriend Lauren Hewitt against another couple.

Hewitt said: “It started getting weird when Tom said we had to develop a strategy based around capitalising upon ‘the enemy’s weaknesses’, namely Charlotte’s poor knowledge of celebrity trivia and Martin being generally thick.

“Then Tom started talking to Charlotte about Dua Lipa and asking Martin about his GCSE results in what he said was psychological warfare designed to undermine their confidence in victory. I did feel that calling Martin a ‘f**king dipshit’ was a bit unnecessary.

“Finally, Tom went completely off-piste and wasn’t even asking questions from the cards but making them up himself, and I’m pretty sure some of the people he mentioned in those questions weren’t even real.

“When I called him out on it, he mumbled something about El Alamein, Montgomery and having to ignore the rules for the greater good sometimes.

“After they’d left in a huff he started on about Mafia wars and said he hoped Charlotte and Martin ended up sleeping with the fishes. Is that a nice thing?”

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Red Bull releases panic attack in a can

RED Bull have unveiled their strongest energy drink which contains enough caffeine to instantly bring on a panic attack.

The new Red Bull AnXXXiety has been specially formulated to cause anyone who consumes it to instantly feel as if the world is ending.

A company spokesperson said: “There’s a huge amount of competition in the energy drinks market, which is why we’ve gone all out on stuffing this one with so much caffeine it’s been banned in the EU. But it’s available in the UK, just another of those Brexit benefits.

“We’re expecting it to be popular with students cramming for exams, teenagers who have consumed so many energy drinks they’ve built up a strong tolerance, and people who have been priced out of the cocaine market thanks to inflation.

“This is an exciting new direction for the company and we’re already looking at changing our slogan from ‘Red Bull gives you wings’ to ‘Red Bull gives you a profound sense of dread and terrifying palpitations’. We think that has a nice ring to it.”

Red Bull drinker Oliver O’Connor said: “Who are you, why are you asking me these questions? Why is that squirrel in the park staring at me? How does it know I’m cheating on my wife? I’m about to die, aren’t I?”