Brexit movie only going to be released on VHS

THE planned Brexit feature film will only be available on VHS, it has been announced.

Following reports that a Hollywood studio had bought the rights to Brexit, it was confirmed that the film will only appear on the home video format because Brexit enthusiasts dislike ‘new-fangled dee-vee-dees’.

The film, which will star John Cleese as Nigel Farage and Roger Daltry as the woman in Sunderland who celebrated by getting on someone’s shoulders, will not be released in cinemas because they are communal places where everyone is allowed in.

Wayne Hayes, producer of Brexit: The Quest for Freedom, said: “Surprisingly 86 per cent of Brexit voters still have a video recorder. They get masochistic pleasure from rewinding things.

“The film will cost £15, then if they complain about it being too expensive we’ll just casually say, ‘Is that a Polish food store on your local high street?’ and they’ll get why it’s so expensive and not ask any more questions.”

Hayes added: “It’s a story that must be told because Nigel Farage is one of the most important figures of his era. Like Nelson Mandela, except the opposite of Nelson Mandela in all respects.”

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Couple reluctantly having baby because you're meant to

A COUPLE are having a baby to avoid disappointing the rest of society, they have announced.

Despite not particularly wanting children, Tom Logan and Joanna Kramer feel they should go along with the general consensus and have at least one.

Graphic designer Logan said: ““Frankly it sounds like a nightmare but people seem to approve when you do grown-up things.

“I’m not even sure I’m mature enough to bring up a child, plus we can barely afford it, but everyone loves babies and I’d hate to disappoint them.”

Teacher Kramer said: “My friends with babies will be delighted that I can join in their tedious conversations about burping and little clothes.

“My parents will be happy too, although I’ve no idea why after raising ungrateful little shits like me and my brother who only get in touch when we want to borrow money.

“To be honest I wonder if people only have babies for the time off work and so they can stop reading articles about biological fucking clocks.”