British person not excited by new TV show about baking

A BRITISH human being is not counting down the days until the start of a new show about cakes.

Friends of Emma Bradshaw where shocked to discover she did not share their enthusiasm for the upcoming show Bakey-Bakey Britain, revealing she is more interested in dramas about advertising executives or the Baltimore drug trade.

Bradshaw said, “Don’t get me wrong, if you’re offering me a cake I’ll have it.

“Do I want to sit in your kitchen and watch you bake it while you tell me what you’re doing? Christ on a bike, no, that would be an obvious waste of time.

“Do I want to see other people bake cakes that I then wouldn’t even get to eat? Absolutely not. That’s just weird.”

Bradshaw’s friend Tom Logan added: “I’ve known Emma for a long time so this has come as something of a surprise.

“It will break my heart when I cover her front door with obscene graffiti.”

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New parent and massive stoner discover they have loads in common

A NEW mum and a pothead have bonded over having red eyes and feeling divorced from reality, it has emerged.

Nikki Hollis, 30, and Nathan Muir, 19, met when they were both sitting on a park bench in the middle of the afternoon. Muir initially thought Hollis must be stoned off her box too when she started giggling uncontrollably for no obvious reason.

Hollis said: “I must have looked like I’d consumed some kind of illicit substance, but actually I just haven’t slept for more than 20 minutes at once for 97 consecutive nights, which seems to have a similar effect.

“I explained that I spent most of my time either giggling hysterically and hallucinating a bit or sitting on the sofa staring into space like a depressed zombie and he said he knew exactly how I felt.

“He was even more understanding when I said I hadn’t washed my hair for three days and lived on a diet of crisps and Nutella straight out of the jar.”