Britain asks Kate Bush to take over

BRITONS have asked Kate Bush to be their supreme leader.

As the country continued its death spiral, researchers at the Institute for Studies found that the Hounds of Love singer is the most popular choice to run the government.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “According to our poll, Kate Bush is well in the lead, followed by David Attenborough although he’s probably a bit old.

“Kate Bush is quite reclusive though, so we need to find out where she lives and then find out if she’s up for it. 

“She’ll know what to do about all the shit that’s going on, she’s sold millions of albums compared to Boris Johnson’s album sales of zero. We could have Sade as her second-in-command, because Sade would bring a mellow, calming influence.”

Other popular choices include Alan Bennett, Professor Brian Cox and Yoda.

Mary Fisher, from Swindon, said: “We need an elected council of wise elders who are neither right or left but simply for the good of the country.

“Either that or we need a new album by The Smiths.”

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This all your fault

THE screaming chaos presently engulfing the UK is entirely down to you, experts have confirmed.

The result of the EU referendum, the collapse of sterling and the UK’s downgraded credit rating are all a direct result of your stupid actions, and you should now be made to face the consequences.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute of Studies, said: “When historians look back at this absolute shitfest, they will unanimously agree that the responsibility lies with you and you alone. Assuming there are any historians left in the smoking ruins that now await us.

“If you had taken five fucking minutes to inform yourself about the issues and their repercussions, we wouldn’t be here today, staring into the abyss and longing for the sweet release of death.

“Anyway you’re probably too thick to realise just what you did.”

Professor Brubaker confirmed that if he were in your shoes he would be spending the rest of his miserable life prostrated on the ground apologising.

He added: “On the bright side, you are now a national hero in Iceland.”