Man who went to Glastonbury robbed of smug return to work

A MAN hoping to boast about how Glastonbury Festival changed his life has found that people simply could not give a shit.

Tom Logan, 31, from Nuneaton, spent months planning the self-satisfied comments he would make about how blissed out he now feels, but was disappointed to discover that his colleagues hadn’t even noticed his absence due to the country imploding.

Logan said: “The best bit about Glastonbury is usually when I’m safely ensconced behind my desk again, pretending I had this incredible life altering experience, rather than a short holiday on a wet farm.

“Sometimes I just pretend to zone out for ages and when someone asks me if I’m ok, I look wistful and say I was remembering a really deeply connected moment I had in the healing fields.

“And later I’ll jig my knees up and down repeatedly until Carole asks me to stop and I chuckle ruefully and say I must still be a little bit high from what I took in the dance tent.

“But this year: nothing. I suffered through Adele bellowing Skyfall like a wounded donkey so I could vividly describe the emotionally-charged singalong moment and no one even cares. Thanks Boris.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Corbyn baffled by all these incompetency resignations

JEREMY Corbyn has admitted he does not understand why everyone is suddenly resigning just because they are hopelessly incompetent. 

The Labour leader has watched as David Cameron and Roy Hodgson immediately quit their positions after catastrophic failures, but was nonplussed as to why. 

He said: “I hear that kind of thing happens in the private sector, but these were state positions. 

“You get your foot in the door, you work hard if ineptly, eventually you get promoted to a level of responsibility you’re unfit for and you stay until retirement on a final salary pension. 

“But instead Roy and David seem to believe that their actual performance in the job relates to their suitability to continue in the job, which I have to admit is a connection I’m just not making. 

“I wonder if all those shadow cabinet resignations are for something similar? They did keep banging on about someone who was utterly useless. 

“Anyway, I can’t muse on it for long. I’m preparing policy on local councils’ right to boycott unethical supply chains. It’s a massive issue right now.”