Brits confirms core pop music value of respect for elders

POP music is all about respect for previous generations, it has been confirmed.

After David Bowie received the Brit award for Best Male, younger musicians reaffirmed the importance of looking up to your parents’ or grandparents’ generation, doing what you’re told at all times and treating music as a career.

Katy Perry said: “Older people know better than us young upstarts.

“That’s basically why popular music exists – so teenagers, especially punks, could express deep respect and gratitude for their forebears.

“It’s not like adolescents have ever wanted their own cultural identity or obnoxiously thought they knew best.”

She added: “Drink branded fizzy pop, get up early and work hard.”

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I've been suffering from terrible constipation of late

Dear Holly,

I’ve been suffering from terrible constipation of late, interspersed with violent bouts of explosive diarrhea. It’s very embarrassing and slightly at odds with my teenage heart-throb status. Do you think I’m eating too many eggs?

Harry Styles


Dear Harry,

Have you ever noticed that teachers never need to go to the toilet, ever? When was the last time you saw one coming out of a toilet cubicle, or excusing themselves from maths lessons? Weird huh? And they don’t go at playtime either because they’re endlessly stalking the corridors or the playground looking for naughty kids to reprimand. It’s like in their quest to be the ultimate teacher they have sacrificed a part of their humanity. Sophie Scruggs from year 10 says at teacher training college new teachers have to undergo a special operation to seal up their bumhole, thus ensuring they will never have to suddenly leave the classroom for a call of nature and risk returning to find some anonymous artist has drawn a massive willy on the blackboard.

Hope that helps!