Clarkson forced to bugger sheep to distract from farm's success

JEREMY Clarkson has made such a success of his farm that in his new series he engages in sexual congress with a sheep so nobody notices.

The cold-buffet-crazed, producer-punching former Top Gear presenter made Clarkson’s Farm to prove how impossible life is for Britain’s farmers, but instead made a great deal of money, and is sodomising livestock to draw attention away from that.

Clarkson said: “Government has made farmers’ lives intolerable. Unfortunately, my show proving that has proved the exact opposite and I look a twat, as usual.

“Consequently, in order for my political opinions to be vindicated, I set out to show that government has made pub landlords’ lives intolerable. But the car park’s full every weekend and my beer’s taken off countrywide.

“I therefore had no option but to corner Flossie, drop the Barbour waxed trousers and give her one right there in the paddock. To prove that government, specifically any Labour one, is making the lives of right-thinking bestialists like myself intolerable.

“Unfortunately seeing me pumping away red-faced shouting ‘take it you bloody ruminant’ is great television, the queue for Flossie reaches two miles long at weekends and she’s making me six grand a night.

“Why does everything I touch turn to gold? Why must I live with this curse?”

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Robert Jenrick, and the rest of the happy crew riding the 'two-tier' bandwagon

THE police acted incompetently in the Henry Nowak case, but opportunists have turned it into a bandwagon about two-tier, anti-white policing. Here’s who couldn’t wait to get on board.

Rupert Lowe 

Restore’s Rupert Lowe claimed the police live in fear of being called racist then went off into loony territory by ranting about our ‘sick multicultural experiment’. ‘I am going to look back in anger,’ he said. ‘I urge you all to do the same.’ Make of that what you will. The sort of people rioting don’t look interested in seeing a John Osborne play.

Robert Jenrick 

Jenrick told the Commons that ethnic minorities are ‘elevated’ above whites in the UK, ending with the very clever comment that ‘white lives matter’. Bear in mind this is the twat who painted over refugee children’s murals and eagerly donned a ‘Hamas are terrorists’ sweatshirt. If there was a bandwagon for bandwagons, Jenrick would be on it proclaiming ‘The culture of indigenous bandwagons is under threat!’

Sarah Vine

‘Britain’s police and courts now operate a two-tier justice system,’ wrote Sarah Vine confidently, while tastelessly noting that Nowak ‘died like a dog on the pavement’. And yet research has consistently proved that non-whites get harsher treatment, such as custodial sentences instead of community punishments. Luckily Sarah has plenty of evidence to refute this longstanding error. Sadly she didn’t put it in the article.

Miscellaneous thugs

The bandwagon also served as a holiday coach providing yobs with a fun day out getting pissed, giving Nazi salutes and hurling missiles at the police in a way that’s sufficiently half-arsed to avoid getting arrested. One was seen cheerfully drinking a can of Red Stripe, which feels jarringly multicultural.

Nigel Farage

Farage tried to go one better than Lowe’s ‘look back in anger’ by saying people should respond with ‘pure, cold rage’, which isn’t literally ‘Go and throw a wheelie bin at a copper’ so that’s fine. Unfortunately it appears the two are now in an ongoing competition to be the most right-wing leader, which is going to be f**king tedious. Presumably the next time Lowe denies global warming, Farage will have to say the Greens want to allow vegetables to get married. 

Tommy Robinson

Hopping on racially-charged bandwagons is basically Tommy’s job so it was hardly surprising to see him popping up and leading an awkward minute’s silence for ‘Henry’ in front of a mob of shaven-headed racists. Oddly he started ranting about Muslims, which is confusing, but he claims to be a journalist so he must have done his research and Britain is in fact under threat from hordes of Sikh-Muslims.

Kemi Badenoch

In fairness Kemi did actually express personal sadness about the victim, Henry Nowak, but then had to get back on-message for right-wing voters by saying she blamed ‘all the nonsense that came in after the Black Lives Matter movement’. So true, Kemi. It’s such a pain in the arse having to take the knee every time you see a black person on the telly.