Comic convention attended by adults

THE world’s largest gathering of picture-story fans is teeming with adults, it has emerged.

Experts have long maintained that comics, which can be broadly defined as shiny pamphlets containing colourful drawings of flying men from space and vocabulary such as ‘BAMF!’ and ‘Aaaaarp!’, are for children.

Yet despite this, an estimated 98% of attendees at San Diego’s Comic-Con 2011 are old enough to pay income tax and go to bed at a time of their own choosing.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies, who is at the event, said: “After extensive searching, I thought I finally saw a kid this afternoon. Turns out it was a middle-aged dwarf dressed as an ewok, which is a hair-covered creature from the popular children’s film Return of the Jedi.

“Yesterday I saw a middle-aged man pay $5000 for a bag of Patrick Stewart’s bum fluff, a gang of bitter divorcees sporting robot claws and a pair of railway engineers kissing with tongues while disguised as giant foxes.”

He added: “There was also a room with 500 adults in it, discussing ‘story arcs’ in Spiderman. I’ve no idea what a ‘story arc’ is but apparently it’s very grown-up and complicated.”

Cultural analyst Nikki Hollis said: “If you ask me, Watchmen is just Bash Street Kids with hovering blue penises.

“And I don’t care how ‘dark’ the new Batman film’s going to be, it’s still about a man who dresses up as a bat.

“They will no doubt claim that dressing up as a bat is a ‘metaphor’, but we know that it’s just a man in a bat suit. With pointy ears.”

Meanwhile, there was chaos at a Buffy the Vampire Slayer discussion panel when a group of men in their mid 40s had a violent argument about the correct usage of the word ‘mythos’.

 

 

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Daley hoping Olympic pool has been filled

TOM Daley will today make the first dive into the new Olympic pool that he really hopes someone has remembered to fill with water.

The country’s best person at falling off a ledge for more than 50 years has admitted he is understandably nervous given that this is, after all, Britain.

Daley said: “Lord Coe has told me that I have to do it no matter what. He grabbed me by the lapels and pulled me towards him until our noses were touching.

“There was a crazy fire in his eyes.”

He added: “I’m sure Lord Coe is right when he says there is probably nothing to worry about, but at the same time I have to factor in the possibility that Britain has built the best swimming pool the world has ever seen and then forgotten to fill it up.”

Daley’s potentially fatal dive is the centrepiece of a day of events marking the third anniversary of when it was four years until the start of the Olympics.

Olympic chairman Lord Coe insisted: “In many ways the third anniversary of Four Years to Go Day is more important than the Olympics itself. And I know that Tom Daley would have wanted me to say that.”

Roy Hobbs, from Hatfield, who has received at least half a dozen Merry One Year to London 2012 Day cards, said: “This country needs a fucking hobby.”

Tom Daley added: “I’m wondering if there is some way I can strap a space hopper to the top of my head without anyone noticing.

“I know that I may then bounce off the bottom of the pool in a completely random direction, but at least that would give me a chance.”  

8pm update: Pool contains non-lethal quantity of water. Britain greatest country in world.