Coronation concert to include William's kids putting on a show

TONIGHT’S Coronation concert will feature an excruciating performance by Prince George, Princess Charlotte and Prince Louis with a show they have created themselves.

The show, which the children came up with while bored and playing under tables during yesterday’s longer stretches, is roughly based on Hansel and Gretel with elements of the life of Charles I and Minions 2: The Rise of Gru.

A Palace insider said: “They’ve demanded 45 minutes cleared and ordered costumes. Charlotte’s the Princess, George is King Handsome and Louis is a dog called Louis.

“They come on, announce the story, run into the woods and then pretend to go to sleep on stage. That lasts for up to five minutes of silence.

“Then Charlotte gets up and sings half an Ariana Grande song, then does a dance, then pretends she’s been kidnapped but there’s no one there and she doesn’t leave the stage, just stands at the side gawping.

“Then George and Louis have a mock fight, then George does a magic act while Louis runs around barking, then Charlotte returns and they all sing God Save the King. Doesn’t sound like it takes 45 minutes, but it does. You’ve not f**king seen it.”

He added: “Kate asked and said they’d worked really hard on it. What could we do, say no? So they’ve got a £480,000 budget for costumes, sets and fireworks.”

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Six southern complaints about visiting the North

NORTHERN towns and villages do their utmost to make themselves hostile environments for cosmopolitan southerners. Here’s how:

Remote areas don’t have an Uber

You’re late for a wedding on a beautiful country farm, so you pull up Uber to book a ride for the six-mile trip from the B&B you’re staying in. After five nonplussed minutes trying to understand why the nearest driver is two hours away, you finally realise that it does not operate here. You berate your host for living in the ‘arse-end of the f**king sticks’, before apologising profusely and paying her £50 to drive you.

It’s three degrees colder past York

The city of York is the last bastion of civilisation before you reach the badlands of Tyneside and the huge, flat vistas of Northumberland, which to a southerner like you might as well be the freezing Arctic tundra. Even in a puffer jacket and the expensive snow boots you purchased for the trip you think the weather is bitter, despite the fact that the locals are wearing shorts.

There are no special country lanes for cyclists

You chose a Pennines cycling holiday because it gives you a chance to flaunt your pricey new bike, but the area doesn’t accommodate cyclists at all. You can’t see for hedgerows and are terrified by a local screaming round a bend in a Land Rover every 30 seconds. You’ve brought much-needed tourism to this rundown rural backwater, the least they could do is tarmac some of their fields to give you a special lane to ride in.

Pies aren’t as ubiquitous as promised

You thought you’d be dining on mutton pie, chips and a barm cake, whatever the f**k that is, when you visited Bradford, but what you’ve actually ended up with is the best curry you’ve ever eaten in your life. You didn’t come all this way for delicious food, you came for something weird that you could photograph and put on Instagram to make your southern mates laugh.

It’s not grim enough

Having never been beyond Birmingham before, you believed all the stories about the North being a soot-blackened hellhole, riven with poverty and children losing limbs in mills. So when you find vibrant metropolitan cities, beautiful scenery and a pint that costs less than a fiver, you feel short-changed. Where’s the poverty porn safari you were promised?

Everyone is too nice

Everyone is so friendly that you’re instantly suspicious. What do they want? Are they trying to manipulate you into buying something? The average southerner is used to being ignored or tutted at everywhere they go, and is freaked out by this sinister niceness. So much so that they piss off home as soon as possible. Well played, Northerners.