Covent Garden, and other places Londoners are horribly smug about never visiting

ALTHOUGH people who live in London are obsessed with telling you how amazing it is, there are plenty of areas in it that are beneath them. Like these:

Covent Garden

Tourists visit Covent Garden because they think they’re going to be faced with a My Fair Lady-style cockney knees-up around a flower market, rather than 86 living statues and a traumatic pick-pocketing experience. London hipsters laugh at them as they spend £11 on a pint in Hackney Wick, having been robbed in a slightly trendier way.

Leicester Square

Leicester Square has little going for it other than a cinema where you can spend £30 to watch a film that will out on Netflix in three weeks or go to the Angus Steakhouse, possibly the worst restaurant in the world. But we should all be glad it exists, if only to piss off the wankers walking through it to get to BrewDog in Soho, as if that didn’t also make them incredibly basic bitches.

Portobello Market

Londoners deride Portobello Market as kitsch and tacky now, and claim it was much better 20 years ago. However, they’re wrong, so make sure to go and enjoy rummaging its many stalls for interesting bargains, while they spend Sunday morning at Borough Market blowing the best part of fifty quid on Italian charcuterie.

Abbey Road

‘It’s just a road’, smug Londoners say. ‘And if you stop on the crossing you’re being a pain in the arse for the people who actually live here’. Well, sorry for having a passion. If you’re so miserable that you can’t bear to witness people enjoying visiting an important cultural landmark, why not go and live somewhere less interesting, like Croydon.

Madame Tussauds

Londoners are incredibly disparaging about the UK’s premiere wax work museum, and, to be fair, you can’t hold it against them. It’s shit. Who wants to look at a lifeless, melted-looking version of Kylie? It might have been cutting edge entertainment when it was opened in 1835, but it’s best avoided by even the keenest tourist now.

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Baby gets applauded for f**k all, thinks father

A FATHER has confessed he thinks the praise and attention his infant son receives is a bit over the top, considering he doesn’t do much.

James Bates began to feel skeptical when his mother-in-law first met baby Oliver shortly after his birth and called him a ‘brave boy’, without once commenting on how well James had coped with his hangover during the 13-hour delivery.

Bates said: “I like the kid, but we need to keep things in proportion. Apparently his first word was ‘cat’. It sounded more like ‘gah’ to me, but everyone went f**king mental telling him how clever he was.

“On the same day I got two questions right on University Challenge without so much as a ‘well done’. And, objectively, which of those achievements is more impressive?

“My wife accused me of being jealous, which is ridiculous. I just want to set realistic expectations for the lad. We shouldn’t clap when he messily shoves bolognese into his mouth with his fist, because all I get for not using a fork is shouted at.”

Asked if he felt the same when his dog Mitzi gets similarly exaggerated praise, Turner said: “Are you kidding me? Have you seen that girl sit? It’s the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen.”