Covid-19 better party guest than man with ukulele

GUESTS at a garden party have confirmed they would rather have spent the evening in the presence of coronavirus than the man who turned up with a ukulele.

Whilst everyone who attended the party stayed outside and adhered to social distancing rules, they said they would have preferred to breathe potentially deadly germs into each other’s faces than listen to yet another rendition of Riptide.

Party-goer Sophie Rodriguez said: “This is the first social event most of us have been to in months and then this twat turns up playing twee songs on his stupid tiny instrument and shits all over it.

“I would honestly rather squeeze into the kitchen with everyone else and risk getting Covid than spend another minute out here with him playing Thong Song in a minor key and thinking it’s clever.

“What possesses a person to think a ukulele is a good thing to bring to a party for adults? Haven’t we all suffered enough?

“Though I suppose it could have been worse. He could have had an acoustic guitar and insisted we all sing along to Wonderwall.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Prince Andrew to lie about going to Pizza Express one last time before it closes

As more than 70 branches of Pizza Express prepare to close, their most famous patron has announced his intention to pretend to go for one last fictional visit.

Prince Andrew is reportedly dismayed to learn of the closure and has confirmed he is going to make up a story about going there for one final meal, which he will remember in strangely vivid detail forever.

Prince Andrew said: “I’ve been a devotee of this fabulous restaurant since visiting the Woking branch on March 10th, 2001, between 4 and 7pm. I will always adore Pizza… Hut? Wait no, I mean… Bella Pasta?

“Anyway, it’s a terrible shame it’s closing down but I am looking forward to stuffing my face with an imaginary American Hot before they shut. That pizza is so spicy that I’d be sweating buckets afterwards, if only I was able.”

Waiter Oliver O’Connor said: “It will be our pleasure to welcome Prince Andrew for one more make-believe meal that he will be able to recall with precision nearly 20 years into the future.

“I’ve been told to say that the Prince was a lovely customer and he ordered the dough balls.”