The middle-class family's guide to a caravan holiday

JUST because you can’t get to Crete this year doesn’t mean that you can’t have a cut-above holiday. Here’s how to survive a week in a caravan designed for the working classes:

Kick the children out

Having spent lockdown trapped with your own progeny, the prospect of renting a tiny box to drive around in will feel like utter lunacy. Rent a smaller caravan for your au pair to drive so she can take the children when they become too grating.

Ignore ‘no camping’ rules

As your income sits well inside the top tax bracket, it’s your right to park the caravan wherever you choose. Remember, this in no way compromises your right to loudly complain about travellers’ caravans ‘ruining views’ when you read about them in the Daily Mail.

Don’t worry about driving badly

Wildly swinging between lanes in a wheeled behemoth you’ve no experience of driving can get tiring, particularly with all that annoying beeping going on. Make sure to lock the doors when you’re stationary in a traffic jam in case one of the people you’ve nearly killed comes looking for you.

Consider a static caravan

If you instead opt for a static caravan, you’ll be surrounded by many colourful characters from the great British public. Rent all the caravans close to your own to avoid this awful state of affairs and ensure you don’t mix with anyone outside your socio-economic group.

Remember you can always book into a hotel

Comfort yourself with the fact that, as soon as the novelty wears off, you can ditch the caravan and book yourselves into a lovely little boutique hotel. You were only doing it to be ironic anyway.

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Man choosing underwear for girlfriend based on how much he fancies the models

A MAN is selecting a gift of underwear for his girlfriend based entirely on how fit he finds the women modelling it.

Jordan Gardner has been scouring lingerie websites to find the perfect present for his girlfriend and has narrowed down his search to the three models he would ‘most like to bone’.

Gardner said: “There are some really fun women out there, who seem to spend their days semi-naked and casually lying on sofas or hanging out the washing in their pants.

“I think I’ll choose the model who most reminds me of my girlfriend, if my girlfriend had bigger boobs, longer hair and cooked dinner in a completely impractical corset.”

Gardner’s girlfriend Lauren Hewitt said: “I don’t think he even knows what he’s buying at this stage. He sent me a couple of links to ask my opinion and asked me to choose between ‘the blonde or the brunette’.

“He must have seen every bra and knicker set on the internet. He definitely wasn’t this thorough in his research when he bought me that breadmaker.”