Cowell’s Ultimate DJ attracts ultimate bellends

THE world’s biggest bellends are flocking to audition for Simon Cowell’s DJ talent show.

Pop impresario Cowell has confirmed plans for a new primetime series Ultimate DJ, provoking frenzied interest among vain dimwits with drab, slightly aggressive personalities.

Undeniable bellend Tom Logan said: “My skills include pointing at the air during the bit in the music when the drums stop. I am a fucking genius, like Stephen Hawking but way better looking.”

Logan, whose DJ influences include Swedish House Mafia and “whichever ones are richest and nail the most birds” is among 2,500 very similar people already queueing outside Syco’s production office.

Scientist Mary Fisher said: “This show presents a major opportunity to study bellends in their natural environment. We could learn something about humanity that might save our species from destruction.”

Ultimate DJ hopeful Wayne Hayes said: “I’m into deep house and minimal, because that’s the more intelligent and sophisticated end of the dance spectrum. I’m also into fanny.

“My DJ tips are don’t be original, don’t follow your instincts and pack a spare tight black t-shirt in case you get dribble on the first one.”

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Panini launches 2015 FIFA Corruption Scandal sticker album

PANINI has launched the 2015 FIFA Corruption Scandal Official Sticker Collection. 

The album allows fans to collect every member of the FBI, IRS, Interpol and Swiss teams investigating FIFA along with two-part stickers showing FIFA executives in happier times and in jail. 

A Panini spokesman said: “What schoolboy doesn’t want to swap a sticker of Diego Rodriguez, the FBI’s New York field director, for former Costa Rican Football Federation president Eduardo Li? 

“There’s a whole double-page spread of the decline of Sepp Blatter, with embossed hologram stickers for key moments like announcing Qatar had won and delivering his resignation speech. 

But 11-year-old Nathan Muir said: “Once you’ve got the high-profile guys, it’s just 200 stickers of anonymous men in suits exchanging suitcases of money in five-star hotels.

“Some of them are older than anyone I have ever met.”