Creative people likely to suffer from pretentiousness

ARTISTIC people are prone to being full of shit, according to a new study.

Research by the Institute for Studies found a link between creativity and being a jumped-up tosser with a stupid scarf.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Writers, artists, musicians and even the people who make adverts for fucking bath products, they all have a psychological flaw that makes them think they’re really, really amazing.

“If you look at pictures of Virginia Woolf mooning around with her toff mates, you can tell she reckons she’s pretty deep.

“‘I’m the shit’, she’s thinking, ‘because I’ve just written a book about a boring day trip’. Whatever, I bet she’d have been hopeless with a puncture repair kit.

“And Salvador Dali. That moustache. What a twat.”

Brubaker believes that artistic pretentiousness is also a tool for avoiding domestic chores.

He said: “Picasso consistently refused to put the bins out, making up lame excuses about how he was too busy creating Cubism. Yet he always had plenty of time for shagging.”

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Exasperated CIA opens UFO to public

THE CIA has turned its extraterrestrial things into a tourist attraction after running out of patience.

The agency revealed its genuine UFO and aliens will offer paid-for ‘abduction experiences’, with the aim of recouping some of the $900 trillion it spent on media manipulation, Men in Black and memory erasing.

CIA director Tom Logan said: “Gary McKinnon was the last straw, I couldn’t face sending out another ‘all staff’ email nagging everyone to use proper passwords.

“I mean, why cover it up anyway? Not only does it cement America’s status as the world’s number one superpower, but now we can sell baseball caps and t-shirts, maybe hire it out for hen nights.

“As you’ll discover, the alien enclosure of Area 51 is actually very like a Travelodge, with bored aliens flipping television channels, looking for nudity.”

Roswell alien Xrrydth Cthullyu said: “The actual reason we have been visiting earth is cress.

“Cress doesn’t grow on our planet but we really like it a lot, especially in egg sandwiches.”

UFO conspiracy theorist Nikki Hollis said: “When there was a cover-up I felt quite special and important, but now I’m just some woman who works at Rymans.”