Dalai Lama can't wait to pay £12 for Glastonbury cheeseburger

THE Dalai Lama is looking forward to his weekend at the anti-capitalist Glastonbury Festival where organic burgers are just £12.

It is the Buddhist demigod’s first visit to the festival in his many lives, and he is particularly keen to queue for bottled water, pose for selfies with drunk marketing executives from Battersea and use the world famous ‘toilets’.

His Holiness 14th Dalai Lama said: “One may travel the world teaching the Four Noble Truths, but true enlightenment comes from using the EE phone charging Power Bar Exchange Point.

“Is the ordinary burger, available for just £3 at a train station, and the ‘dirty burger’ with smoked cheddar and Bombay fries for £12, merely the same burger, reverberating through time?

“I will move on from the intermediary stage of existence only when I have stood in a field next to drunks rapping out of time to Kanye West, repeatedly asking strangers if they’ve got any charlie.”

Glastonbury organiser Emily Eavis said: “The Dalai Lama wants to promote his message of compassion, non-violence and the oneness of humanity, so we’re hoping he’ll do something with Mark Ronson.”

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Dursleys hated Harry Potter because he was a jumped-up little sod

THE Dursley family despised Harry Potter because he was a snotty brat who reckoned he was God’s gift to magic, it has emerged.

Vernon Dursley revealed that the family, who raised Potter from being a baby at great personal risk to themselves, disliked his habit of proclaiming how much better he was than them at every opportunity.

He said: “If there was one thing that caused the rift between us and Harry, it was him constantly crowing about how he was the best wizard in the world and we were a bunch of stupid, useless Muggles.

“Also his boasting about being the best Quidditch player ever, and having millions in gold at Gringotts Wizarding Bank, and riding around on his broomstick shouting ‘I’m Harry Potter and I’m the saviour of the world!’

“And there was the time he almost got our Dudley killed by a snake, or when his mate the giant used magic to give him a pig’s tail, which had to be removed at great expense.

“So quite a lot of things, really.”

Dursley added that everyone at Hogwarts hated Harry because he broke every rule in the school but always won the House Cup anyway, because he was the headmaster’s little suck-up pet.