Dame Judi Dench To Host Charity Swearathon

ACTRESS Dame Judi Dench is to host this year's BAFTA Swearathon, it has been confirmed.

The event, now in its 23rd year, promotes awareness of dirty, filthy words and the people who say them, while raising much needed funds to protect old and endangered swear words like 'fuckle', 'arseclams' and 'Jeffrey Archer'.

Speaking at a press conference at the Theatre Royal, Dame Judi said: "I remember when I first read the script for Shakespeare in Love. It was marvellous of course, but I did feel the need to phone up the lovely Tom Stoppard and ask him why he had left out the word 'c**t'.

"'Tommy', I said, 'could you be an absolute darling and shove in a couple of c**ts and a titwank, just for me?'."

Dame Judi, Britain's most repulsively foul-mouthed actress since Olivia De Havilland, said: "This is such an important event for all of us who enjoy using words like 'fucknut', 'spunk-monkey' and 'dirty great pishflaps'.

"My dear friend Tom Hanks will perform a delightful Cole Porter duet with my other dear friend Gwyneth Paltrow, but he will change the lyrics so he can call her a 'simpering, minge-faced shitweasel'.

"My great friend James Blunt has very kindly offered to play some of his greatest hits, during which members of the audience will be encouraged to drown him out by screaming the word 'cocksucker' at him, over and over again.

"And my very dear friend Robert Carlyle will give us an expert demonstration of Glaswegian swearing. I'd be tempted to let the children stay up for that one."

Dame Judi added: "Fuck the lot of you, fuck you right up the shitter."

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Police 'Not Letting You Have A Go Of Their Tasers'

SENIOR police officers last night said there was no way you were getting a go of their tasers despite new data showing they are even more fun than previously believed.

Statistics, released under the Freedom of Information Act, show that 74% of taser injuries during 2008 were sustained to the buttocks in police station recreation rooms.

And in the second half of last year over 220 police officers sustained tongue injuries after their fellow officers dared them to see what electricity tasted like.

Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Paul Stephenson said: "These are not toys, even if they are brilliant fun and it was mental the time I used mine to knock an owl straight out of a tree.

"However there's absolutely no way I would condone incidents like the time we took ours to Longleat and did target practice on otters while reciting one-liners from Jason Statham movies."

One constable, from Hertfordshire, said: "No fucking chance. I let my brother in law hold it briefly on his birthday but that's it.

"If someone in the pub asks I tell them it's strictly for official police use, and they nod in agreement and then I shoot them in the nuts."

He added: "When they're on the deck spazzing out I'll stand over them, blow an imaginary wisp of smoke off the end of the barrel and say either 'I vanquish thee' or 'your powers are weak old man' and everyone laughs their tits off.

"And you should see what it does to a toad."