Sarkozy Calls For Sexier Burkas

PRESIDENT Sarkozy has criticised the wearing of burkas by French muslims, insisting they stop people seeing what an incredibly hot wife you have, if you have one, which he does.

The president said muslim women should be free to wear whatever they want, like the cocktail dress his wife Carla wore for dinner last night. He added: "Slit right up to here it was, and backless so you could see a hint of side-tit. Magic."

The president wants Chanel to design a modern, more flattering burka and robe, perhaps showing a daring glimpse of thigh

Sarkozy stressed that his wife's thighs are 36 inches long, adding: "If you think I haven't measured them then you must be out of your tiny mind."

Meanwhile design house Lacroix hopes to rejuvenate its fortunes with an autumn range of 'Hot Hijabs' later this month.

Amongst the collection will be gold-embossed headwear with slogans including 'Jihad Enough?' and 'Does This Make Me Look Fatwah?' picked out in pearls.

Sarkozy insisted he did not want to offend muslims, stressing: "My concern is for the personal liberty of French citizens, be they a humble housewife or a top-class ride like Carla.

"Seriously, have you seen that photo of her bending over a desk? I get to go home to that every night. Unbe-fucking-lievable."

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Charles Gets More Talking Shit Money

PRINCE Charles received £3m in talking shit money last year, according to latest accounts.

The heir to the throne saw a 25% increase in the public grant he receives to flit between his giant houses while saying whatever happens to be passing through his brain at the time.

Supporters insist he has been talking some top quality shit over the last year, from his prediction the world would end in 2050 to his masterful destruction of a vitally important building project in West London.

In between he has attacked the 'cult of consumerism' which helps to deliver his £3m a year, while continuing to have more possessions than most of the people who have ever lived.

Royal expert Denys Finch-Hatton said: "When someone agrees to deliver a keynote speech on the importance of cutting CO2 emissions and then turns up in an Aston Martin, you can be fairly confident they are going to brim-full of utter shit."

Clarence House said the Prince has managed to fit in a surprisingly huge amount of talking shit this year, given his other heavy commitments in the fields of skiing and fucking-up foxes.

Meanwhile the Prince also managed to trim his costs by spending his holidays in a British castle attended by just four dozen chefs, butlers, spoon polishers and highly-trained crack-spongers.

Republican campaigner Bill KcKay said: "People hark back to his days of chatting to plants, but that's just a meagre handful of rat droppings compared to his musings on education, architecture and the environment.

"Some say that if we got rid of the monarchy it would be replaced with something just as expensive, but at least we'd be able to choose the person who talks a lot of shit all the time."

He added: "Surely his talking shit could be financed from all the money he collects selling organic honey made by his army of musical bees at £15 a jar."