Daniel Craig to be first white Shaft

BOOKIES have announced that Daniel Craig is odds on to become the first white actor to portray John Shaft.

The iconic character – a no-nonsense private detective from the mean streets of Harlem – first appeared on screen in 1971’s Shaft, but has thus far only been played by black actors.

Craig said: “If I do get the gig I don’t want to simply be known as ‘the white Shaft’.

”I’d bring new depth to the character by swapping Shaft’s iconic leather trenchcoat for a quilted Barbour and having the chase scenes soundtracked by Muse and Neil Young.”

Shaft fan Wayne Hayes said: “The idea that he could be played by a blonde-haired, blue-eyed man who spent his formative years in Frodsham, Cheshire, is simply not in keeping with the spirit of the character.

“Craig was great in the James Bond films, which are justifiably seen as classics of whitesploitation cinema, but that character races around shooting guns and shagging loads of women which is totally different to Shaft.”

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Human penises all either massive or tiny, confirm scientists

MEN’S penises are either porn-style monstrosities or minuscule sources of amusement, it has emerged.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies fond that although the average penis length was 5.2 inches, such an organ does not actually exist.

Roughly half of penises are over a foot long, while the remainder can barely be seen without a magnifying device.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “As we had always suspected, with penises there is no middle ground.

“You’ve got your confident man’s foot-long gnarled salami, or the tiny mushroom of the gent who shuns communal showers.

“This confirms my theory that the penis evolved mainly for its comedic potential.”