Daniel Craig to sing Bond theme himself

BOND star Daniel Craig has only agreed to star in the upcoming Spectre if he is allowed to perform the theme tune.

The actor will be the first Bond to do the theme tune himself and has promised that there will be ‘none of that awful howling’.

He continued: “After last time, when that big lass ruined it by caterwauling about trifle and crumble, I thought I ought to step in and do it properly.

“It’s going to be like a cross between Ghostbusters and Shaft, with me shouting ‘SPECTRE!’ really dramatically in between funky guitar breaks and a Doors-style organ solo.

“Ben Whishaw – Q and the voice of Paddington – is doing a rap about crazy equipment like laser pens and exploding eyelash curlers, and at the end there’s a call-and-response where I go ‘Who got the Bond? I got the Bond.’”

Director Sam Mendes said: “I was apprehensive, but it already sounds like it’ll be some distance better than the Sheryl Crow one.”

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Hip hop 'just middle-class wordplay'

RAP music has been exposed as nothing but clever puns, allusions and references like a Radio Four panel game.

Ready to speak for one minute without hesitation, deviation or repetition

The truth about the genre, which has been masquerading as cool since the late 1970s, has been exposed by 62-year-old consultant surgeon Joseph Turner.

He said: “My son was listening to Pusha T, the abrasive self-styled ‘king of the coke flow’.

“I heard the line ‘Reagan era I ran contraband’, which very cleverly links the Iran-Contra scandal to rumours that the CIA supplied crack, and suddenly realised that it was five down in the Financial Times crossword on Monday.

“It turns out this Pusha T character is also Triptolemus, the man who sets the crosswords, and all that guns and drugs stuff is nothing but a cover.”

The rap community is glad to cease living a lie, with Ghostface Killah appearing on Countdown’s Dictionary Corner with Susie Dent, and Nicholas Parsons being replaced by Lil’ Wayne on the renamed Just A Motherfuckin’ Minute.

50 Cent said: “Down in the hood, bustas find out you into alliteration or assonance your ass is in the cold ground.

“One time I got caught on the corner with a Scrabble board. Six fools died that day.”