Leicester players still believe in existence of manager

PLAYERS for Leicester City remain convinced that manager Nigel Pearson exists, despite mounting evidence.

A detail of Michelangelo’s frieze Pearson Agonistes

The reality of Pearson has been in doubt ever since his appointment in 2011, with claims he played for Shrewsbury Town, Sheffield Wednesday and Middlesbrough unprovable because nobody can watch those teams.

But the squad say their faith in Pearson remains unshaken, with club captain Wes Morgan describing him as “a presence not seen but rather heard, shouting from the touchline of the soul.”

He continued: “Unbound by mere reality, Nigel lives in the hearts of each and every one of us.

“We are unshaken by shouts of ‘Where’s the evidence?’ or ‘Are you sure you don’t mean Stuart Pearce?’ from the sidelines.

“We’ll stick to hitting the big man, working the channels, and refusing to score, because as Nigel teaches, goals are an abomination.”

Pundit Ian Wright said: “Believers attribute extraordinary events to Pearson, such as getting promoted or winning 5-3 against Manchester United, but those can be explained by the effects of random chance or Asian betting syndicates.

“Some claim to have seen him on Match of the Day, but who is still awake for the last game?”

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Clegg f**ked over on Christmas rota again

DEPUTY Prime Minister Nick Clegg has once again been given the Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day shifts on the Cabinet’s Christmas rota.

Wouldn’t even be any use in an emergency

The Lib Dem leader is furious that the supposedly random system has his name down for all the major holidays for the fourth year in a row.

He said: “I was happy to do it in 2010, because I’d never had a proper job before and it was a bit of a novelty.

“But four years is beyond a joke. They say I’m just ‘on call’ but there’s always a text with an urgent reason to go into Downing Street, and then I arrive there’s nobody there and I have to wait an hour in the cold for the police to let me in.

“In 2013 I threatened not to turn up but they said I’d lose my shift allowance.”

Cabinet secretary Sir Jeremy Heywood said: “It really is incredible, the way old Cleggy’s name comes  out of the hat year after year.

“We’ve got a little film we like to watch of him sitting at his desk with nothing to do, jaw clenched with frustration, missing the New Year’s Eve fireworks going off outside.

“Still, I don’t think he’ll have to worry about being busy next year.”