Devil regrets making deal with Ed Sheeran

THE Devil has admitted he was wrong to allow Ed Sheeran to exchange his soul for fame.

The pact enabled the youngster to become a pop star and have sex with a series of beautiful women, despite looking like he would be more comfortable working in a Morrison’s bakery.

But now that Sheeran has used his powers to dominate popular culture across the globe, the Devil has been forced to apologise.

He said: “I’m so sorry, I really messed up there. Like every other creature in every realm, I’ve heard Shape of You every fucking day for what seems like millennia. It haunts my dreams.

“I’m no music aficionado – in the underworld it’s mainly the screams of the damned and a lot of Europop – but even I can tell that it’s hateful rubbish.”

The deal stipulates that the singer-songwriter will eventually be dragged to Hell, although the Devil confirmed he is looking for a loophole to avoid this.

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May to send Article 50 letter strapped to a bulldog in a Spitfire

THERESA May will trigger Article 50 by strapping a letter to a no-nonsense bulldog that will fly to Brussels in a Spitfire.

Trevor the bulldog will take off from Seething Airfield in Norfolk, one of the most important RAF bases during the Battle of Britain. Before being placed in the aircraft he will be stroked by Dame Vera Lynn and a member of the public who won a raffle at a lovely village fete.

Trevor will parachute out of the Spitfire as it passes over the European Commission headquarters, before waddling heroically into the building in search of commission president Jean-Claude Juncker.

Trevor has been trained to find Juncker by sniffing a napkin that Theresa May stole from the lunch table at the most recent EU summit.

He will bark at Juncker until the bureaucrat takes the letter from a specially made leather pouch.

Trevor will then urinate for a full 30 seconds on the incredibly plush carpet before being transported back to London in a 1958 Morris Minor Traveller and one of the little ships that took part in the Dunkirk evacuation.

A European Commission spokesman said: “If the animal does not have a valid Pet Passport it will be quarantined indefinitely.”