DJ has been mediocre long enough to become a ‘house music legend’

A HOUSE music DJ and producer has been granted legendary status after not being very good for over twenty years.

Brighton-based Tom Booker aka DJ Deep Chunk began his career in dance music two decades ago with the launch of a boring club that nobody went to. Although he vaguely knew some professional DJs, they all thought he was an arrogant knob.

Since then he has consistently played drab, unimaginative records to increasingly small crowds of people. He has also done dozens of remixes that weren’t very good, including one for a well-known American label that was a bit desperate at the time.

Booker said: “It goes to show that all you’ve got to do is keep plodding on and eventually everyone will decide you are a legend.

“Don’t try thinking up new ideas because eventually everything gets re-hashed by nerds desperate to unearth ‘seminal’ things even if they were actually quite poor.

“All those people who kept telling me to get a proper job didn’t count on the modern obsession with nostalgia. I’m going to play a massive rave on a Croatian ‘sex island’ next week, with loads of models.

“I just wish I wasn’t so old and tired.”

Music blogger Stephen Malley said: “Chunk is definitely a legend. His music is seminal. I don’t know what ‘seminal’ means but I like saying it because it sounds very adult.”

A 1993 vinyl release on DJ Deep Chunk’s label Mediocre Records, The HumDrum EP, recently sold for £84,400 on eBay to an overenthusiastic American teenager.

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Glastonbury glamping zone has machine gun turrets to keep out hippies

GUARDS at Glastonbury Festival’s boutique camping area are authorised to use deadly force against hippies, it has emerged.

Anyone dirty or unkempt who comes within 50 metres of the luxury yurts organised by ’Meggie’s Gypsy Dreams’ will be told to fuck the fuck off, then shot if they fail to comply.

Yurt magnate ‘Meggie’ said: “Our clients work hard all year in soulless corporate jobs so that they can enjoy live music and chill out in a high-security bohemian context.

“In the unlikely event that anyone without a proper job is attending the festival, they should keep their distance or pay the ultimate price. Just because it’s a festival it doesn’t mean you can go where you like, or do what you like as if this were some sort of free country.

“I should stress that it’s fine to have machine guns because they are vintage machine guns.”

Labourer Wayne Hayes helped assemble the yurts: “Those yurts are so luxurious it’s mental. They come with drugged baby pandas that you can use as pillows.

“Also there’s vintage champagne and a set of solid gold goblets, but I wouldn’t use those as I deliberately wiped my balls on them.”